Monday, 4 June 2012

Walton Shore

Me and @susielovesvodka decided the shore house was in desperate need of a spring clean - spring bein over an all and it bein fuckin mingin. So like a pair of scrubbers we got the hoover an mop out an got to work, desperado in hand.  I hit a bit of a brick wall when I found a mazzy patch of black mould lurkin behind the bathroom bin, "Oh hello cheeky! When did you turn up?"
Now I'm not a mould expert but I'd heard black mould wasn't exactly the friendly penicillan kind so we googled the best course of action and found this: 

"When doing mold and black mold removal you should wear clothes that you are able to put in the trash immediately afterwards as some of the mold spores may stick to your clothes and harm your health. You also need to take special precautions such as wearing a face mask or respirator and protective glasses that do not allow the mold spores to get through. When removing mold or black mold from a particular room seal it off as best you can from the surrounding areas using plastic sheeting and duct tape."

I thought whoever wrote that must have been a fanny so I went with crackin a window and tying an arl dishcloth to my grid with a bobble. I'm telling you this cos if I die it might help with the post mortem.

Susie organised the kitchen cupboards an nearly pissed herself with excitement when she found an old packet of haribo lurking - a little less excited when we opened them and discovered they tasted like feet. Out of date haribo, not something I'd recommend.

Finally the house was sparkling so it was time to jump in the bath, slather myself in St Moriz, lash me sleep rollers in and go for a disco kip. Heaven. Even better when you wake up 2 hours later to a can of ice cold cidre bein proferred by a top ginger roomy. Nice one Susie girl.

I got ready without much incident. I say much, I feel fat in everything cos I've put on 5 relationship lbs. On the other hand my tits look boss so there's winners and losers in every situation. I eventually found a dress I was happy with and went to give evils to Susie in the hope that it would make her get ready faster.

I'd lent her my Strawberry Curls to try but disaster struck when she took them out. She looked like a ginger Ray Fakadakis. She cannot pull off the 70's/80's poodle perm AT ALL. Imagine bein on the final stages of gettin ready an havin to go wash your hair again. Talk about bein back at square one!

Much later than planned we managed to roll up to Ruby Sky for the Cancun Launch party picking up my mate Kerri on the way where we got slapped with VIP wristbands - just like in real Cancun and got a bottle of Smirnoff for the table - also just like real Cancun. The DJ had Pitbulls entire back catalog on his playlist. It was actually just like bein in Cancun except it was full of melts and the weather was shit. Now me and Susie are actually off to Cancun ourselves in a few weeks so in our head it was OUR Cancun launch party for the Walton Shore house, not Geordie Shore. Use can do one. We educated Kerri on how to do a slut drop and proceeded to get bevvied.

A couple of lads were dancing by us and were buyin their bevvies two at a time from the bar which me and Susie naturally took as an invite to minesweep them - dead discreetly duckin down under the table to swig them. I have no idea why when I'm pissed I reckon I'd be a boss undercover spy or somethin cos I'm aba as subtle as a drag queen at a jubilee party. The next round they went the bar and ended up buying an extra drink cos they knew we were goin to rob them, only to find that we took that as a signal to rob one each instead. Failed lads. Failed.

Anyway, we clocked Gaz an Holly from Geordie Shore and I was relieved to see that he wasn't sportin one of those god awful cleavage tops otherwise I don't think I'd've been able to resist the urge to gob all over him. I don't care who you are mate, tits are for birds, they don't have the same attraction for us as they do for you. Put them fuckin away lad. 

I was bladdered by 3am (feel ashamed of meself) and Susie ended up havin to escort me home, past her ex who was on the door lookin like a fat Shrek with a small cock as usual but at least she didn't go flyin in front of him this time. One point to Susie.

I woke up with Burger King wrappers strewn all over the bed an a sick bucket not too far away. I think that vodka must've been off yano. 


@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs