Sunday, 23 September 2012

GUEST BLOG Confessions of a Psych Nurse

Guest blog by @jenren87

So its half 7 on a thursday morning and i've already seen more genitals than a back alley brass but its all part of the job right? WRONG!

When i decided to become a nurse I imagined cute little uniforms, prancing round curing people with a smile. But then i turned to the dark side. Psychiatric nursing.

Now a lot of people think mental health is all straight jackets and people spreading their own shit on the walls. Its not. Its far worse. Is full people who if they say something, they say it a thousand times. People who if you ask them to have a wash, its like you've asked can you throw acid in their face! And dont get me started on when they go out... These people can dress in the most "normal" of outfits, tell em you're taking em to the asda and its full on bright pink hotpants, socks, and peeptoe kitten heels all topped off with a tshirt 2 sizes too small with a picture of a wolf on or something cringey like "am i bovvered?!" obviously not love, dressed like that. The shame!

Dont get me wrong i love my job, and most patients are sound but you get these types who just want a reaction and my reaction is "the bus to st helens is thatta way!"

So yeh, if you're think nursing is glam: its not! Your days off are used to catch up on sleep and wash your hair!

Well thats my blog. Hope you enjoy. Lotsa love @jenren87
Thursday, 13 September 2012

GUEST BLOG - Female driver problems

So if you're a girl i have almost no doubt you've gone around the block to allow pavement spectators to fuck off before you attempt to reverse parallel park.. Or park or reverse in general. I get a bad case of shame when I'm holding up the high street trying bleto 'squeeze' my tiny car into a space large enough for rooneys range rover. I just cannot judge distance, is it just me?! I also have two settings for driving down a road with the dreaded parked cars on my side.. Wing mirror swiping distance, or so far on the other side of the road people are waving their vile hands at me and im forced to scream OH CHILLL AAAAAUT. Id honestly rather go the long way and avoid such roads, the stress causes me to sweat up a storm on my top lip n ruin my perfectly painted on MAC concoction of foundation (at least 3 diff types) , i question how i passed my driving test every week.. If not every day.
Which brings me to my next point. FUCKING cyclists!!!! My accute rage for them stems from the fact they are complete arrogant mugs AND i am certain the reason im gonna get banged up and made some lesbo haired jail bird is cuz one day their gonna ignorantly wobble infront of me and im going to squash um dead cuz im far to busy flicking thru my ipod looking for a cool enough song to blast out my windows as the high street fast approaches. So yeah, their blatant disregard for the people in giant solid boxes of machinery pisses me off... Who do they think they are to run red lights and not stop at zebby crossings? Please don't even get me started on when they wobble past your stationaty shiney new car on their 'vintage' rusty pile of crap. Do. Not. Touch. If you steady yourself using my bonnet.. I'll give you a lift home ....... On my bonnet you cheeky cow.
I suppose i myself am a menace to the roads along with cyclists buses and mopeds with less power than my blowdryer (just get the bus cuz thats embarrassing mate) but im pretty sure getting arrested cuz i couldn't wait till i was home to tweet about the latest story iv read on the mail online is worth it right?? RIGHT???!

By @caitlinwynters
Monday, 10 September 2012

Why Christopher Maloney won't get my vote

Saturday night I lay zombified on the couch after a heavy Friday night on the Sambuca in Moniques until X Factor came on. Suddenly I was all alert and my blood was boiling. “Oh my god it’s that cunt Christopher Maloney!”

Now I'm sure you're all fully aware that there are two sides to every story but MY experience of Christphopher Maloney is the black to Saturday night's X Factor's white. They might as well be two different people. Maybe he has a Jekyll & Hyde split personality I don't know.

I sat there seething as he shook like a shittin dog and fed the nation a (in my opinion) cock an bull story about him bein a little victim. Alright he probably does love his nan, I’ll give him that, who doesn’t love their nan? But the rest of it? Fuck off mate! I’ve watched him make a grown woman cry, now this is a woman who can hold her own and you wouldn’t necessarily go up against in an argument and he MADE HER CRY. He didn’t know this person, she was a complete stranger and somehow the bile that came out of his mouth was enough to make her break down sobbing in her place of work. No one should ever make anyone feel like that, let alone in their place of work. He was like a playground bully. This was back when I worked in face to face customer services and unfortunately he'd crossed my path on many occasions, each time he was just as consistently poisionous and vicious as the last without any real cause.
The day he made my colleague cry I'd actually seen him come in and thought "Fuck that!" and gone the toilet. The old nightmare customer dodge tricks. Unfortunately I still had to take over and serve him when she was unable to serve him any longer. I politely told him to fuck off cos no one wanted to serve him and the manager refused to allow him in again. That's fact, I was eyewitness to that.

He’s the type of person in my opinion who walks round like the world owes him something. He's always been horrible from the word go every time I've met him and for no reason at all. If you try and help him don’t expect a word of thanks. If you’ve ever worked in retail or customer service and you have that one customer who comes in and everyone is suddenly busy doing something else….in my old work that was Christopher Maloney.

In my experience he's not a shy man. From what I've heard since Saturday he’s worked in and hogged the mike in many a karaoke bar. It seems I’m not the only one who’s had this experience with him either I’ve had my opinion backed up by quite a few people on twitter who’ve worked with him or had the unfortunate luck of havin to serve him. The irony is his twitter bio says he works in customer service. His twitter that seems to only recently have been set up as he’s never tweeted off it. I'm only speculating but could this have been set up by the X Factor machine in readiness for his X Factor journey? Call me a cynic. It's been alledged by one twitter user (I wasn't there so I can't say whether this is true or not) that he never got a standing ovation at his Echo Arena audition and instead was brought back on at the end by producers and then had the standing ovation. Why would that need to happen if the audiences reaction had been genuinely so elated?

This isn't anything to do with jealousy or putting Liverpool down. I've rooted for every scouser going, from Eaton Road to the gorge Rebecca Ferguson and the fab Marcus Collins. I'm genuinely thrilled to see scousers doing so well. Christopher Maloney is just one man I can and will not get behind.

Make your own minds up, you've seen the X Factor and you've read my blog. Think whatever you like, I'm not going to tell you what to think. Just take it all with a pinch of salt.


Thursday, 6 September 2012

GUEST BLOG - Kitten Prins

A guest blog by @georginaribenax

Right, so im not sure how you do this bloggin thing, so as this is my first blog, im gonna just take the piss out of a topic close to my heart… A scousers hatred for kitten heels.
Its blatantly a scouse thing cos wools proper love them. Strappy kitten heels, wedge kitten heels, shiny kitten heels, the fuckin lot. An they always manage to match their shoes to their equally as bad fish net vest tops an pink demin skirts. Soz abar you.

So anyway, I think I began to absolutely despise these disgraceful AWFUL disasters when my bezzie pal, Shay, kindly posted a picture on my facebook of brown SUEDE coco pops an I went sick abit in me mouth. Dunno whos lyin to these girls when they ask how they look before they leave the house but they defo need to have a word.
I AM NORRASSED HOW BAD YOUR ANKLES ARE!!! Im norrassed if your shoes are Dior. I am certainly norrassed if blind nuns bbm’ed Lady Gaga an made her piss in them shoes, your still a fuckin weirdo for wearin them. I see wools who got the northen line from whiston to liverpool of a weekend an continue to humiliate themselves an cause visual noise around town every weekend with no concern about anyone elses feelings. Bein funny or nothin, but your shoes offend me now fuck off out me eye.
An another thing, you can prance round liverpool for years, you can bathe in fake tan, backcomb your hair to the high heavens an draw your eyebrows on, but as long as youve got them kittens on your pips, youve blown your cover an now everyone knows your from st helens an sleep with your cousin. IYA JEZZA!
Right, im off to give meself an arabian glow AKA st moriz,
Follow me on twitter if your proper fit @georginaribenax