Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Pretty fly for a wool guy

Friday morning was like waking up in the 7th ring of hayfever hell. My eyes were glued together and itching like fuck. I just wanted to rip them out my head and give them a wash but seeing that I'm not Mr Potato Head that wasn't really an option so I just had to get on with it. Looking fit and scouse with raging hayfever is hard work - credit to all the scouse birds who manage it.

Anyway I got a half day off work to go shopping, Paddy was takin me to Gusto and out to meet a pilot and his Louboutin clad Mrs so I convinced him he needed to buy me a new dress or I'd look like a biff and refuse to go out. That old 'I've got nothing to wear' chestnut works every time, it's an oldy but a classic. Obviously a matching bag was also purchased. Rinsed.

I went home after my successful shopping venture and had to take a nap, hayfever takes it out of you like that and I'm a human Bagpuss at the best of times.  Me and Susie were goin out with Lazzy Mash to Pizza Express that night and I didn't wanna be slammin face first into my sloppy Giuseppe. Lazzy Mash has an endearing habit of sending us pictures where he tries to make himself look as unusual and ugly as possible, which ironically isn't possible as he is a beautiful man - so seeing as he was bein a big girl an takin ages to get ready we decided to tweet some of these pictures while we waited outside his in the car. He wasn't happy....here they are again for those who missed them. Cunt aren't I? We're trying to convince him to be gay as he would make a perfect gay bezzie but he was havin none of it. Some people are so selfish.

The next day after a catch up with the soundest doctor in the world Lee Walker (@btoxclinics) and discussion re the booming Botox business and the scouse bird phenomenon, me and Paddy went for a gorgeous meal at Gusto. We decided to go with whatever cocktail the waiter recommended - risky. We ended up goin with some weird Strawberry, basil and black pepper concoction, not the most obvious choice but daaaaamnnn bitch that was a shit hot cocktail! We got some funny looks from the people on the table next to us as I tried to give him a brief outline of what 50 shades of grey was all about. Paddy did the gentlemanly thing and decided to refuse to let me see the price of the bill cos he was treating me. Unfortunately the cocktails had gone straight through him and he was dyin for a slash so he lashed his card at me and went "You know the PIN." and ran off in the direction of the bogs. The waiter came over and I went, "Erm I'm not allowed to see the bill." He looked at me funny an went, "Love that's not really possible like you've gotta put the PIN in on the machine an it's right there." Fella returned sheepishly from the bogs an went "Oh yeah didn't think of that babe." Yeah right he well just wanted to show off how much he was spendin on me the weasel. I decided it wasn't nearly enough so we went The Living Room for cocktails to meet the pilot @AdeCorell & his wife @MrsCorell and so I could rinse him a bit more.

Me hair was a frizzy mess by the time I got there, thanks rain, that's sound! Luckily there was some bad states in there so I looked fairly decent in comparison. I'd never seen so much back cleavage and fat birds in cut out dresses. It's fuckin disgustin. Seriously if you're anything over a toned size 12 DON'T wear a cut out dress, you cannot pull it off. Your rolls look like they're bein squeezed out of a sausage grinder. Going out looking like the play-doh barber shop is not a good look. Get a tailored dress and some spanx. That's an order.

We managed to blag some staff dizzy off the pilot, watch this space for us jetsetting round Europe soon, and then headed off to Moniques to have a cheeky fist pump. Who should be there in our booth but that Jaiden one from scousewives. I was instantly on edge. This was the ultimate wool, the ultimate scouse arch enemy. The fella who reckons HIS is the most brutal blog in Britain. The fella I'd claimed to have shits more brutal than (and I'm a lady). Was it gonna be Toms vs Stilettos at dawn? He got all up in my grill about bein banned from Ruby Sky the other week cos I hated him and told the management he wasn't allowed in....I thought "What??! Wait! That does sound like something I'd do alright but the only thing I recall aba Ruby Sky was signing on all over the bogs." Turns out it was actually Scouse Barbie who'd pulled that stunt - G'wed girl, props on the diva behaviour! and we were sound after that. As long as he didn't open his mouth to poison my ears with his accent I found him to be pretty sound actually. I'll let him live.

I think the whole of Moniques was impressed by my fellas dancing....for me the jury is still out. He has this ONE dance he does and I couldn't even describe it to you, it's like nothing anyone has ever seen and I don't know where he learnt it. I don't know whether I love it or am deeply ashamed by it but it certainly gets him noticed. I'll give him credit he doesn't give a shiny shite who he's with, whether we're at a footballers wedding, out with Holly Henderson or out with a "Z-list" brutal blogger that dance is comin out to play big style and he's gonna be walkin round the next day like a cripple with damaged calves. We'll be out again in Moniques this weekend cos it's my birthday so if you see him doin 'THAT' dance, and trust me you'll know if you see it, then I'm the bird fist pumpin somewhere in the vicinity and trying not to look at him.

I was hangin on Sunday for fathers day and ended up makin me dad run round after me giving me lifts and even managed to talk him into makin a roast cos I'm such a boss daughter. I went into our kids room who's now been living in Florida for a week, took one look at his trilby hat (which I have NEVER seen him even wear) and thought "Awww" and started crying again. I told him this on Facebook to which his reply was, "I'm goin to tell you something....wait for it.....I'M NOT DEAD!!"  Ha ha fair point brother, fair point. I'm an emotional wreck on the sly, I will cry at the drop of or indeed the sight of a hat these days. Over and out.


@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs