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Scouse bird with a vodka dependency and an acute sense of social observation. Always self deprecating, always blunt. Follow me on twitter WARNING: Non-scousers may not understand language of this blog.
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Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Scouse scared probs

Well my my my hasn’t it been a while? I could come up with a million an one excuses why I haven’t blogged like going on holiday blah blah blah but seriously I just couldn’t be arsed. Soz aba me.

Anyway here’s the weekend round up a la scouse bird style. We got invited on Friday to Miss F Couture's pop up boutique. The idea was not to drink much cos I knew we’d be out Saturday and I’m getting old, I just can’t hack the 2 day hangovers no mo. This lasted until halfway through getting ready when a tricky eyelash application required a vodka and grapefruit juice to calm me down. Pyaa stress. Cue me standin outside the Newz bar at 1am cryin at me fella that he doesn’t love me no more and we should just split up. Vodka Cranks R Us.

The pop up event was fab, me and Lizzy left our fellas chattin footy to Lee of @btoxclinics while we browsed Francescas collection like kids in a candy shop. “Eeee I want this one, and this one, and this one!!” They were all gorge. We went to go try a couple on behind the screen in the make shift changies. Just as Lizzy was getting her dress back on she knocked the screen, we watched in horror as it fell over in slow motion exposing us both (but me fully dressed might I add) to the whole packed room. I was in stitches while poor Lizzy was crouched in the corner clutchin her boobs and dignity. Luckily, enough vodka had been consumed to blunt the machete of embarrassment this would normally cause and we just brazenly strutted out “An wa?”
Why do I leave a trail of drama and destruction wherever I go ay?
Lazzy Mash aka Lambo won the raffle prize of 5 kaftans which was hard graft tryin to split between 2 of us – we ended up doin a little fashion show in the bogs to decide only for Lizzy to leave hers in a bar. Freebie error girl, freebie error. We also met the girls at Converse By Gem and Millionhaire. It’s dead nice putting faces to the twitter names. After months without stennies I can’t wait to get my Millionhair extensions like, they’re deffo some of the best I’ve seen….fingers crossed they’ve got the dip dyed ones like cos then I’ll be tossin me mane around like a Loreal pony. Cos I’m worth it, neeeiiggh.

We’d gone to Ottersghoul on the Wednesday for the press night (I’m not press like, I’m er just spesh) to get into the Halloween spirit. None of us could actually go on the death drop (a 50ft jump off the side of building) cos I had me mazzy bun ring in an therefore couldn’t get the helmet on (scouse bird problems) and Lizzy and Lambo were just shithouses in general. We decided to create our own fun and snuck off to the maze before it was strictly open. We got busted when Lambo ran on ahead to scare us, we screamed and then the Ottersghoul police/management came and told us to get out. We had to skulk back like naughty schoolchildren in front of everyone. The sheeeaaamme. We were finally allowed back in with everyone else and got chased round the maze by the usual cast of Halloween characters (not a sexy cat in sight) and we had a ball screamin all over the show. It’s only on 30th & 31st Oct so if use fancy it deffo get tickets! Click here for Ottersghoul on twitter & links to tickets

Saturday night was the big dressing up night. You can either use Halloween as a chance to have a bit of fun or go out dressed 10 x slaggier than you usually would as a sexy cat, witch, devil, vampire etc etc. Ah Halloween, the sluttiest time of the year. I prefer to be a bit more original and went as the mother of the antichrist and Lizzy went as “scouse bird”. We along with Joe-Ann Randles (cereal killer [sic]) won Halloween, we deffo had the best outfits.

The look on peoples faces was priceless when they saw my face in horror make up, then their gaze dropped to my humungous pregnancy bump, then the sheer horror when they saw the creepy doll attached to realistic umbilical cord dangling from underneath my dress. THAT’S a horror outfit.

We went to Mosquito first and nearly went flyin down the steps – er WHY is the middle step slightly bigger than the other steps please? Pya death trap! Lambo & Paddy were unimpressed by the lack of dressed up people in there. Me fella was already on a para cos he wanted to get the nurses outfit the joker wears in The Dark Knight, but left it til the last minute and ended up with a micro mini sexy nurses outfit. Seein no one else in fancy dress had him flappin it. To be fair the only other people in there at this point was a hen party from wigan. What is with wools? They’ll dress up any other weekend of the year when it’s blatantly not ok to, in fuckin tutus an leg warmers, but Halloween when they have cart blanche? Nah we’ll just (attempt to) be classy yano. Wool fail. I’d won a free bottle of Chase vodka in Mosquito….arrr yano what I’ll stick to Glenns. It tasted like the blag tequila vodka that they give you in Mexico. We swerved it and went to Mojito and Moniques instead. A far cry from this time last year when I ended up in the Raz with it’s stench of sweat and chlamydia.

We had a great night in Moniques like as per. The queue for the girls bogs was mazzy though so we had to try and get in the mens. It’s like tryin to play a computer game where you’ve gotta get past the toilet attendant to piss before he can chuck you out. It took us a few lives before we were finally able to ‘level up’ and get past the baddy and lock ourselves into the toilet cubicle. Ha ha scouse birds 1 – toilet attendant 0.

One the way out we met a fella who had a passing resemblance to JesusChristFTM so we took him upstairs to meet him. Unbeknownst to me this lad had told me fella somethin along the lines of he was takin me home tonight. Er nah lad, genuinely nah tho. This scouse bird is dead happy ta….even if I am a crank after a vodka or 10. Aren’t we all tho?

The taxi queue outside moniques was mazzier than me xmas list so we had to walk all the way to Dale Street and do battle with the taxi drivers. The first one told us he wouldn’t take us round the drive thru cos he was tryin to earn a living. Er mate the meters still runnin round the drive thru so what’s ur beef eh? I even offered him a big mac….can’t get beefier than that. But he was havin none of it the little arlarse. So we had to do a quick swap to the one behind where we proceeded to spend twenny quid on quarter pounders and a chicken nugget sharebox and lived happily ever after. Til we woke up the next day like the living dead. Sly.

In other news I'm raising money for North West Cancer Research by staying in a haunted house on 10th November. If each of my followers donated just £1 (the price of a tacky hairband in Primark) then that's over £45,000 to charity. Maj!! Please please help if you can, I'm getting the first £750 matched by a bank too so even better. You can donate here www.justgiving.com/scousebird or txt SBPS52 £(amount) eg SBPS52 £5 to 70070 - Thanks :-)

Inabit everyone.

Til next time….