Saturday, 9 June 2012

Gummy is the new toothy

I'm not scared of the dentist, never have been - but there was a period when I absolutely refused to go for 10 years which I believe probably contributed to me having a tooth extracted this week. 

My mum and dad were always pretty diligent makin sure I went the dentist every 6 months for a check up - might as well, it was free. No one can resist anythin if it's free like. One time I went the dentist I had toothache and he asked me which tooth was hurting. So I told him. I told him using the name of the tooth, yano that you learn in school when you're about 13 and the prick, the fuckin little prick went "Oooooo swallowed the dental textbook have we?" I wanted to chin him the patronising little turd. I can't have been more than 14 but I wanted to drill his eyeball out. Fucking fuck off ya dickhead. You look like a fat Ricky Gervais, yes a FAT version of Ricky Gervais. The dentists got swerved after that. Norassed if it's free. I'm not havin that tit pokin round in me gob. You might think I'm bein a bit harsh there but it was the latest in a long line of verbal atrocities and I'm noravin it.

So 10 years later I'm wondering what's goin down in tooth town and decided to register with my local dentist. Yeh I needed a big fat filling didn't i? Shit. The Polish dentist bitch drilled the fuck out of me nerves and deffo didn't use enough numbing stuff, it was agony. Two days later I went on holiday and I'm with my mate in a restaurant eating a piece of melon and half my tooth falls off. What?? It was only a piece of melon I mean come on! I'm hardly chowin down on gobstoppers here. It was proper arlarse. I went back and she did another filling. No apology - even had the cheek to charge me again. Whore. I switched dentists after that. Even 4 years later I still can't put anything hot or cold or chew properly on that side of my mouth.

My dentist now is proper sound he's not even the worst lookin fella in the world, he's got the whole geek chic thing goin on like. But I don't even look at him @maverick85p honest. I last went to see him on Valentines day - the only date I got that day - so I wasn't due to see him again for a couple of months. After a gust of wind blew into my mouth over the weekend and nearly brought me to my knees when it hit my filling tooth I knew something wasn't quite right and I needed to get in to see him pronto. 

He x-rayed me and confirmed I had an absess. He gave me two options - a ten minute straight forward extraction OR 3 x 45 min root canal sessions with a 40% success rate. I was like "Just rip it out like." I'm sure he's got good links to Columbia cos he numbed my face reeeeaal good. Even my nose and ears were numb. I didn't feel the tooth come out.

It's the healing process that's the most traumatic - the boredom of havin to live off soft foods. Soft foods are SHIT. Me fella gave me the choice of a 4 finger kit kat the other day or a fuckin shitty flyte bar - I had to go with the flyte bar cos the kit kat had bit of wafer which might go in the hole in my gum. I tell ya the panic that set in when I got a piece of scrambled egg stuck in the hole and couldn't get it out was unreal. It was like when you can't stick your eyelashes on straight and you just wanna cry.

All this I blame on the wanker dentist of my youth - I hope you're happy tithead!

I'll leave you all with a bit of advice that Ricky Gervais gave to a patient in a film where he played a dentist - "Only floss between the teeth you want to keep."


@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs