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Scouse bird with a vodka dependency and an acute sense of social observation. Always self deprecating, always blunt. Follow me on twitter WARNING: Non-scousers may not understand language of this blog.
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Friday, 11 January 2013

The Fresh Prin of Liv-Er

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped turned upside down
An I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how I became the Prin of a pool called Liv-er
Innnnn West Walton central I lived an lazed
At the sunbeds is where I spent most of me days
Just chillin out, tannin, an scrannin all food an
Shoutin at wools from outside of the pool
Then a couple of times me brows were up to no good
Wonky eyed nobhead of the neighbourhood
I did one little tweet an tagged 3 lil words
It's the start of scouse bird probs an the start of scouse bird

I pulled up all the probs since age 7 or 8
An i lashed them all on twitter "soz ba use, see ya later"
Now I fall out of Kingdom
But have fabulous hair
An I sit on the throne
As the Prin of Liv-er

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

The 0151 by Scouzalea Banks

Hey, I can be the scouse bird
I'm ready to dance get ur tan on
And when I pout that lip get your camera
An if you see that bitch in the same dress
Get ready to swill with mojito
That bitch she wants to compete tho
I can freak out pump that fist with the peeps and
You know what your bitch become when her weave in
I just wanna sip that goose with your peeps an
Sit in that booth if you're treatin'
Kick off with a bitch an go get a pizza
You know ill get a kebab and four season
Now he wanna piece of my scran in the evenin'
An get his tongue on me deep pan
I guess that cunt gettin' beaten
I guess that cunt gettin' beaten
I guess that cunt gettin' eaten
I guess that cunt gettin' eaten
I guess that cunt gettin'...

I was in 0-151
Livin town up yeh
On the pull
Yano it's on now dont you?
Shit make-up on you
I'm a rude bitch divvy
You lookin made up for?
Need to eat your food up girl
Think ur boss in ur 8
I'm a cool 1 - 2
Fuck you gone do?
Al av 2 large Big Mac
I'm a look a right pig
But do i give a fuck?
Fuck em like you don't do this hun
Its sly to get discovered shaggin all them lads
Cock-a-suckin' in a delta by the big Costco
Catch the clap soon
In the mornin who u son?
Minger you've overstay you
Plus your bitch might kick off
Wonder who let you come to Walton?
Ring that delta crew son
The fuck, you doin, hun?
Girl put in your big bun bun
Hungover an hot
If you do want to go to nandos
Tell your girls don't blag
There's no goss bigger
You know youre a big show
Bitch I'm 'bout to throw up too
New me from today
Got the new stens too
From Rapunzels
Where are you bitch for lunch?
I'm a proper bad cunt
I'm a proper bad cunt
I'm a proper bad cunt
I'm a proper bad cunt

A-yo, A-yo,
I heard you struttin' with the same tall, tall heels tall heels
Til you see cobbles cobbles
Tryna' be runnin' but you ain't goin' no where no where
Why you always late girl? Late girl
You lookin hot but you just waste all your time
You'll forget their name soon
And ain't nobody be to blame but yourself, yeah

Why you do this when Vodka appear?
W-when shots premier?
Bitch the end of your life feels near
It's shit this time, time
When you gone get ur life in gear?
Why not this new year?
Bitch the start of your life is near
It's fuckin time time
Friday, 4 January 2013

The artist formally known as Princess

I’m gonna throw something out there. I love kittens. No no no NOT the shoes! The super cute baby cats. Sometimes if I’m bored I’ll just google pictures of kittens like. The paws are my favourite bit, if anyone’s interested.

I used to have 2 cats, one was a girl, Morgan, who was the best cat you’ll ever have in your whole entire life and the other was a boy, Dylan, who was a bad little shit. I ended up having to give them away as at the time I was hardly ever home and I just wasn’t able to give them enough attention. I was devastated but I wanted to do what was best for them. To this day I’d have Morgan back but Dylan…you’re barred.

Seeing as I’ve now ‘settled down’ so to speak with me fella I thought it was about time I took on a new furball to fill the cat shaped hole in my heart. It was time to set about workin on me fella. To say he was against the idea was an understatement. Ladies, never underestimate the power of nagging. In order to be a successful nag you have to be a) persistent, b) consistent c) whiney. I was rockin all these big time.

Safe to say after a few weeks Scouse Ma dropped off a tiny black girl called Princess (a girl cat, I haven’t gone all Madonna or anything) and then I week later I got another little girl, Pea, from LpoolCityGirl. Yeh I’m such a good nag I broke his spirit twice. So there I was like a pig in shit cuddlin 2 balls of cuteness.

They fought none stop for the first few days, there was hissin an spittin galore and then one day I come home and they were spoonin like bezzies with a hangover. Awww.

It wasn’t completely plain sailing like. The night I got Pea there was murder. Intimidated by the slightly older Princess she got stuck behind the couch. When I got her out of there she managed to ensconce herself behind our brand new 5 door wardrobe which I then had to break in 2 places to get her out (if you’re reading this babe…ooops sorry my bad). After getting her out of the wardrobe I looked for a safe place to put her while I tried to put it back without killin myself. The bathroom, that’s it, she deffo can’t hide anywhere in there, she’ll be sound for 5 mins. I went back in the bathroom minutes later – no sign of her. Er what? This cats like friggin Houdini where is she?? I found a tiny hole behind the toilet which she’d crawled down into and was now havin a ball under the floorboards. Boss. I rang the RSPCA who said if food didn’t tempt her out then we’d have to start rippin the (sealed wet room) floor up. Oh god I’d only had her like 2 hours.
See photo for my boyfriends reaction...

After goin under the floor at 9pm the night before I finally heard her squeaks sayin let me out at 5.15am the next mornin. No sleep for me. She’s on a bathroom ban until further notice.

Anyway…back to Princess. She’s grown a lot faster than Pea. Pea is still a tiny kitten whereas Princess is lookin more like a youthful cat. They still look super cute though with their personalised pink bowls with their names on in crystals. Pink bowls…crystals.
I was sittin off watchin the Sopranos the other night, stroking Princess’ belly and I felt a lump. Hmm what the hell is that? I squeezed it and something popped out. Princess has a lippy. A widge. A penis.
My baby girl has a friggin widge! But…but…she’s a girl, there’s no balls. Ok ok relax, this could be normal…maybe I just missed this part on my old girl cat that I had for 7 years. I set about googling pictures of male and female cat genetalia. Please to god I never have to take my comp to the Apple shop and explain that one. Be arsed gettin disgusted looks off the Apple staff an havin them report me to the authorities and Scouse Ma for bein into cat porn.
After googling said pictures, no, girls definitely don’t have widges, but males do have balls. I inspected Princess further and felt them under the skin (again not into cats in THAT way). Poor little he/she has got undescended testicles by the looks of it. She/he is about 14 weeks so they deffo should have popped out to say hello by now.

I was devastated; my little girl is a man. She has a jazzy diamonte animal print collar and a PINK bowl with PRINCESS on in crystals FFS. What do I do? Accept the sex change and call him Prince? Or keep the name Princess and raise him as a flaming homosexual. I mean…Princesses eventually grow into Queens right? Right?

Either way, them balls are goin.. I’m not havin him getting frisky with Pea an wakin up one day to a whole tin of peas. I’m literally gonna break your balls lad.

Signin off

Scouse Bird
The Prince & the Pea



Tuesday, 1 January 2013

The 2012 round up

Oh my god what a year this has been, seriously though. I feel like I’ve had a life transplant. Me on New Years day 2012 couldn’t be more different than now. Me and my mate Susie were sat on the couch stuffin our faces with the contents of the corner shop and catching up on Jersey Shore after a proper borin NYE night where town was dead and the only choices to neck at midnight were some questionable Polish fellas or each other. We entered the New Year neck-less. Sly. Then everything started to change...

January - I started a new job and set about with vigour to adopt  a mysterious new girl persona in the hope of actually gettin a decent fella. By this time ‘knobhead’ (see quarter life crisis blog) was a distant memory and I felt like the coolest kid in class cos I’d met JesusChristFTM on boxin night and was using this to leverage mysterious cool girl points with me new colleagues. “Are you on twitter?” 
“Dya follow JesusChristFTM?”
“Yeh he follows me.”
“Eee an wa? I met him. Shove it.” Cringe the Merciless there.
I had my first Scouse Bird Problem when I was late for work one mornin an drew me scouse brows on wonky. I started tweeting them every so often from my personal account. @boobleyboo
Then there was Jesus’ birthday party at Bar Red where Ant Chandler buzzed me off when I ask for Levels. Sly. I generally fumed at the world, got a cob on, unfollowed Jesus, text the next day to apologise and re-follow and generally was forced to asses my life. I am not cool. I am a crank. I’d also gotten in an fell akip on the couch after shovin a pizza in the oven and had the house smelling of Eau de Charred Ham & Mushroom for aba a week. Me and 2012 got off on the wrong foot. Totally. 

February - The mysterious new girl persona was not working and I spent Valentines Day gettin a filling at the dentist and bloggin about all the shit dates I’d been on (see 50 first dates blog). However things picked up, towards the end of Feb I met me fella. One of the lads I was speaking to in work asked me to follow him on twitter and so I thought I’d see if any of his followers also worked there so I could make friends and stop sittin on the loser table by meself in work. Yeh I’m that girl. So I spotted @maverick85p and he followed me back. A few days later after noticin him givin me the glad eye a few times I was in a conversation with the fella sittin next to him. He’d been givin me lip so I asked his name, “Er..er... me name’s Paddy.” at which point Paddy had turned round and I replied “No it’s not, THATS Paddy.” He then went completely white and then red....no not red, like a dark purple and went “How do you know??”
“You follow me on twitter”
“No I don’t”
“You do. I just don’t have my name or picture up.” See even before Scouse Bird Problems I was a secretive bitch.
I DM’d him a little while later to put him out of his misery. Apparently a few days earlier he’d seen me walk past and said “Who the fuck is that?” and he’d been told “you’ve got no chance with her lad.” Hahaha awww.

March - Went out for a day of cherry beer drinking and met the delightful, one off @LazzyMash who’s become a great friend. Tried (emphasis on tried) to do cartwheels in Chavasse park, bevvied, and I’ve never failed so hard at something in my entire life. Swear down I was like a disabled panda.

April - The birth of Scouse Bird Problems. I’d just gotten out the bath after a Zumba class and Susie shoved her phone in me face “Av you seen this? Is this you?” Some absolute whoreface had only gone and ripped off my #ScouseBirdProblems hashtag from my personal account and set up a whole account. I was fumin to say the least. I stormed round the house for about 15 mins just slamming things and goin “IS SHE MESSIN??? IS SHE MESSIN THO? AM FERRRYUMIN! IS SHE MESSIN?”
After a midday vodka and a nail appointment I set up my own account and it was Scouse Bird Wars. Obv I triumphed. Birds need to get their own shouts. Coughs “barbie” coughs. Ah well you can’t be a Scouse Bird proper unless you’ve got beef with half the other girls in the city. Reached 10,000 followers in the first week and had my mind blown.

June - Went to Mexico with my best bitch Susie and had a ball throwin limes at Americans. Soz like but I proper hate Americans, cheesy obnoxious bastards. (See return to cancun, the cancun diaries day one, and what happens in cancun goes in a blog). Hit 30,000 followers.

July - Got asked to do a Q&A feature for Open magazine. (See press section of www.scousebirdproblems.com ) and met the editor of Heat magazine at the launch party who said she was really impressed with my writing and convinced them to keep me as a regular feature writer. Nice one Lucy girl.

August - Took me fella for his birthday to the Signature Living Apts in town. If you haven’t stayed in them, GO they are AMAZING. Sittin off livin the WAG LYF for one night only.

September - Moved in with me fella and he helped me learn how to pick dirty undies off the floor which is something I hadn’t done before. Ta babe. Love all tha.

October - Went on holiday to Egypt and ended up with food poisoning from the salad. The fuckin salad. Should’ve stuck to the cake. Got me mate to be a stand in Scouse Bird for 2 weeks....did you even notice I was gone??

November - Only landed my ass in the Echo didn’t i? Me Ma an Da were proper chezzed by this. then the editor asked if he could feature one of my tweets a day in the paper. Oh alllllright then I suppose! Got invited to the Liverpool Music Awards which was amazing. I also managed to nag me fella into submission to let me get not one, but 2 kittens which he says he hates but he well loves them really. Probably. Hit 50,000 followers. (OMG)

December - Now I’m fully aware I’ve had you all on a blog diet, my bad. Truth be told my laptop is a pile of shite which takes aba 20 mins just to power on, so every time I’ve even had the slightest inclination to blog I’ve just looked at it and died inside. I took the plunge and bought a new one the other day so the the weeerld is me oyster now. Let me sum up the Xmas party season.

I actually had 2 work do’s (greedy I know but I gegged in on another departments one). the first was at Aintree and mid way through the night I happened to check me twitter and found out Chris Maloney had FUCKIN FINALLY been booted off the x factor. I was genuinely made up and went round spreadin the good cheer like doin the peace handshake at church. Whisperin ‘Peace be with you, Chris Maloney’s gone’ to every fucker within a 10 foot radius of me. The news was met with universal “Thank fuck for that YEESSSSS” from all.
The next week was just a do round down and I went from doin karaoke in the Croc one minute to sittin off in a booth in Mosquito with grey goose (bein a grey goose wanker) the next. I can’t stay classy for too long though, I was starvin an started casin the barmen to bring me down a pizza from the Living Rooms upstairs. I was basically told to fuck off. NORAVVIN THAT. 
“Ay lets go for a walk” I grabbed me manager.
I was wearing a festive poncho (once you hit 25, town without a coat of some description in the winter is just not an option)
We ran down the road to the burger shop on the corner of Victoria St and I promptly purchased 2 burgers, stuck one under each arm, wrapped me poncho round me and then scurried back to mosquito. The poncho was key in this smuggling mission as i was able to hide the burgers under my arms but have it wrapped round me and still have both hands free and visible to the bouncers. Nonetheless I was still sweatin like I was goin through airport security with beak up me bum. “Just keep smilin, act natural girl. You an your dirty scran will be reunited on the other side” I told meself.
We hid in our corner booth away from pryin eyes scrannin as fast as our mouths could handle. The manager came over and told us we weren’t allowed to eat in here and I was noddin goin “Yes yes i understand,” while one hand was behind me back tryin to push the burger boxes to the lads in the next booth along. Let them take the fall. Victims.
After I started to try and do the crab (which basically involved me just lyin in the middle of the dancefloor) and burned my finger on a melted straw which had fell in a candle, I knew it was time to get off. I ended up leavin cryin to Sam Woolley (of scousewives fame) that I’d melted me fingerprint off. Soz aba me.
The next week I met up with Old Scouse Bird Scouse Ma & a few friends for a night out. We had a great night, again at Mojito & Mosquito, probably the best night out all year. We got home and Paddy accidentally locked one of the kittens in the bathroom all night and I only let her out the next mornin when I heard her cryin. The next day we were sat on the couch and she normally comes and sits on me only this time she came and sat on Paddy’s chest and proceeded to piss all over him. Kitten 1 - Paddy nil.
Had a great night on boxin night at Moniques. Saw JesusChristFTM & Ponder and had a chin wag about what a completely mad mad year its been.
We chose to spend NYE in Pan Am, just me and me fella, Lizzy & Lazzy. It was a great night only marred by goin the double toilets in Pan Am with Lizzy an realisin it actually is fuckin weird goin the toilet with ur mate and actually pissin together. I’m all for crammin 80 girls in the one toilet cubicle while you all take turns to piss but there was somethin about goin for a piss side by side which was horrendous. We were both screamin “DON’T LOOK AT ME” while furiously pissin as fast as we could. Never again, from now on the double toilets is a one for me, one for me bag situation. Cos even our bags are prinnys an need their own throne to sit on innit.

Well that’s it, my 2012, i’ve loved it and thanks for all your lovely comments throughout the year. I do enjoy readin that I’ve made someone laugh, it’s an amazing feeling and I’ll carry on for as long as i can. 2013 is gonna be a boss year cos life is what you make it, an I’m gonna make it boss. Got a secret project I’m working on with Old Scouse Bird and if it comes off....well it could be life changing. Dead dead excited. Watch this space. See you in all in a club toilets in town soon handin out handbag vodka. Stay scouse everyone.


Scouse Bird