Sunday, 3 June 2012

Something old, something new, something borrowed, something scouse.

Friday saw me attend a VIP relative of my fella's wedding - naturally I was shitting it. It was the first time meeting his extremely extended family plus I had to make sure I was looking fresh to death and scouse as. I considered gettin me hair and make up done at a salon as is the scouse bird way but I do actually have the skillz that killz when it comes to a smokey eye so armed with my trusty make up brush and mazzy bun ring I decided to take matters into my own hands. I mean who can I trust more than myself? The result was alright if I do say so myself.

@maverick85p was flappin around gettin his suit on repeatingly tellin us he was sweatin, whereas I was sittin back chillin with his ma an me bucks fizz. I am the calm Yin to his stressing out Yang. I'm just glad that if we ever get married I can palm the responsibilty of gettin him ready and to the church on time off on his best man. Swerve that!

The service was lovely even with the addition of an inappropriate vicar doin a speech about orgasms and fondling. Nice one vic. As the bride walked up the aisle and everyone craned to get a glimpse of the wagtastically large dress I clocked some birds mile high hair. Wow thats some big hair - now for me to comment on the size of a birds scouse a scouse wedding, you get an idea of the height. Anyway on the way out of the church I turned round to see where @maverick85p was and I came face to face with mazzy hair girl. Well I actually did a little jump, she kind of took my breath away. The scouse brows were HUGE, I mean there was about 1mm stopping them from being a monobrow. Theres drag queens in Garlands who would've thought the smokey eyes were a bit OTT. There was aba 4 packs of hair extensions in, her neck muscles must be ripped from holdin her head up all day, and if you'd've combined the tans of everyone in the room we'd all still look pale next to her. Girl needs a lifetime achievement medal for an outstanding contribution to scouse.

I decided I needed a stiff vodka to recover from the shock so we all coached it down to the reception. I'd brought the handbag vodka and my clutch was burstin so as soon as I got there I stashed it behind the bin in the bogs for easy access and discreet storage. I needn't have bothered, it was a free bar. A free fuckin bar. For 200+ scousers, all night. That was deffo some 5 figure bill gettin handed to the groom later on. Devoed la. That coupled with the photo booth, the chocolate fountain, the BBQ, the 3 course meal, the magician, the casino and the mini vodka bottles as wedding favours meant it was a totally unforgettable day. Off the chart. My weddings gonna be fuckin shit in comparison. I mean I even had a good little whinge at the grooms speech - what more could a bird want from a weddin?

We fucked off to Moniques in town later on about 3 hours later than originally estimated but they still managed to get us a cheeky little booth. Joe Ann velvet roped the area off for us, I found this hilarious - I'm more of a "I'm bladdered gizza go on that swing there girl." kinda bird. We stayed dancin til they switched the lights on and then went home to quietly die.

Yesterday @maverick85p got to stay in bed with McDonalds gettin delivered to him the little tit whereas I was forced to get dressed an go drinkin with me arl fella and our kid. Our kids leavin for 6 months to go deal blackjack on the cruises. Worrisit aba arl fellas an arl mans pubs. I got dragged round the Beehive, the White Star, the Grapes, the Lady of Mann. Each was more divey than the last and your ale choices were limited to, beer, strongbow or shit wine. WTF wheres the Jacques? I'm feelin delicate here dad!

Me an @susielovesvodka got off after a few shit bevvies and decided to go to ASK for a scran. Fuckin hell. Worran ordeal! I had to ask to order, ask to have my plates cleared away, ask for a desert menu, ask for a desert menu AGAIN, ask to order a dessert then I had to send @susielovesvodka the bog so she could ask the manager to come over so I could kick off. I mean I know the restaurant is called ASK love but I'm not in to this playin hard to get dining experience. Anyway she knocked 50% off the bill an give us free wine so it wasn't all bad - I kept gettin dirty looks off our bog-eyed waiter as well so she must've kicked his arse. Good. I'm hungover an I wanted scran in my belly FAST! Toying with my emotions.

Got off after that an slept. Ready to go meet the cast of Geordie Shore in Ruby Sky tonight. This may result in a double blog weekend. OOOOO.


@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs