About Me
- @scousebirdprobs
- Liverpool
- Scouse bird with a vodka dependency and an acute sense of social observation. Always self deprecating, always blunt. Follow me on twitter WARNING: Non-scousers may not understand language of this blog.
Friday 3 August 2012
The Fine Line
A guest blog by Ponderthepoint
You may not agree with a lot of my views because, while you are a
girl who likes to keep up on the latest fashion trends and one of the most
important things for you is to look good for your mates as much as anything (so
they don't call you a meff behind your back), I'm a lad who couldn't give a
fuck what Gok Wan said on his latest TV show, I just want to nail you and I
want you to look good while I do it. The closest I come to talking about
fashion is taking the piss out of the new Man United home kit because it looks
like a table cloth, but that doesn't mean my opinion is invalid; animals look
attractive to get the attention of the opposite sex, resulting in mating
and humans are no different. You might think you're dressing to look fitter
than Jenna the fat whale because you don't want to become the grenade of your
group of mates, but in reality, you're dressing in an attempt to get slotted by
most attractive male who will do it. It's very simple science.
Scouse birds know more than most how important the eyebrows are,
I've even seen them described as the nipples of the face and I agree, nicely
shaped and maintained eyebrows do look good. What doesn't look good is when
birds take this too far and go ultra '"scouse" brow, scouse is in
quotations because this look is not fucking scouse, scouse birds are known as
being some of the most attractive and when the inside of their eyebrows are
about 34 times wider than the outside, it's not attractive. The alternative
"scouse" brow is also not attractive and is best described by Jodie
Lundstram when she called them "monstrous", you know what else is
monstrous? A fucking monster, and that's what you'll look like when half of
your forehead is an eyebrow. If they were the nipples of the face they'd have
them nipples that cover most of the boob and make you look like you had a solid
20 years of breastfeeding on your CV.
The first thing I think when I see a girl in the public eye with
rollers in is, "fucking hell, going out tonight are we? Well in". If
girls only went out with their rollers in when it was absolutely necessary, the
fact is that we wouldn't see even half of the amount that we do every weekend.
Sadly, it has become the cool thing to do, stop being a meff and get your pint
of milk earlier in the day. It wouldn't be okay for a lad to get three quarters
of his head shaved, tell the barber he'll be back in a bit, go and have a look
at some clothes and do a bit of grocery shopping, then go back to finish it
off, because he'd look like a tit and so do you. If you were getting ready to
go out and the house went on fire I'd let you off for walking the streets in
rollers, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of these birds went shopping in
the day only to come home to a night of Corrie and flicking their bean with
curly hair for no reason at all.
Night-out-footwear is split into 3 categories, flats are worn by
gimpy indie girls who are too cool to dress up, like it or not, feet are more
of a sexual part of the body than you would expect, have you ever seen a porno
where the woman isn't wearing heels? If you have it was probably shit. I don't
know what it is about kitten heels, I can't pin down the actual reason why they
are so fucking disgusting but I can only imagine myself penetrating the
wearer's skull with them when I see them. If you're going out, put some high
heels on, they're sexy, it makes lads want to bang you, I'm not even arsed if
you're 6 foot 6, that's not an excuse, just don't be necking anyone smaller
than you.
There's not much left to say from a lad's perspective, unless I
was bent then I'd bring up all sorts of shite about styles and brands or
something I equally don't give a fuck about, so here's where I'll cap it off. I
like natural beauty, but on the flip side I also like fake tits, fake nails,
fake eyelashes, fake lips and fake-non-wrinkles (botox), as long as you don't
glue one of them little fake gem things to your forehead for a night out then
I'd probably smash you.
I told you you wouldn't agree with a lot of my views.
@PonderThePoint
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