Wednesday, 29 August 2012

The Slaggy Bird Anthem

13:11 | Posted by @scousebirdprobs | | Edit Post
BIRD

Give me a second I
I need to get my story straight
My friends have all been wondering
Why the hell I'm gettin in so late
Me fella hes just dumped me so I'm
Proppin up the bar
My seat's been taken by some skinny bitch
The fuck dya think u are?
And
just saw that lad I was meetin months ago
What was his name? I forget
but between the drinks and shotty things
He looks more like a 10 than 3
you know I'm trying hard to give a fuck
so if by the time the bar closes
and im almost falling down
You can take me home

Tonight
I'm a slag
So let's set our sex on fire
don't normally do this either
Swear to god

Tonight
Im a slag
Ur single? Pants on fire
U look like a liar
Gerra johnny on!

Now I know I'm easy
A lil bit sleazy
I guess that I
I just thought that maybe we could make me ex fella jelly
But youll never call
So let's have a ball
An blame the vodka that ur takin me home

LAD

Tonight
You're a slag
Don't blag that ur a nice bird
An u don't do this
All the time

Tonight
Ive got the clap
If you don't want ur crotch on fire
Then I can do you
Up the bum?

BIRD

Carry me home tonight
Just carry me home tonight
Carry me home tonight
Fallin over on cobbles tonight

LAD

Ay bird ur deltas outside
You're just a nail an bail
Sorry love you've got no channy of stayin the night
If ur period doesn't arrive
I'll be at the airport in 5
Soz aba u not goin home tonight

BIRD

Tonight
I'm a slag
Give me taxi dough but I'm no whore
me thongs on ur floor
Where's me shoe?

LAD

Tonight
You're a slag
By the way girl I've got pyab lice
But u can't catch aids twice
Lucky for u

BIRD

So if by the time the bar closes
and I keep on falling down
You can probly take me home tonight

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Not currently available on the iPhone/ipad kindle app. Soz aba that.
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Thursday, 23 August 2012

The life of Riley

04:22 | Posted by @scousebirdprobs | | Edit Post

Yeh ok so that Rileyy69 or whatever is indeed a bad meff. A bad meff who craves followers and notoriety so badly he's willing to pay for it. Seeing as he's from a large family, one of about 300 kids, that's a pretty large proportion of his benefits he's paid out there. Mind you, his mum probably earns a bit on the side givin tours round her cavernous fanny. Mind your head.

Either way, he wants followers. Now I've been amused the same as anyone by Ponder and Jesus leathering him, he has well and truly been owned. I mean his comebacks are so awfully generic it's really not worth gracing him with a tweet, so I won't. [insert swearword here] + [up the shitter here] divide by [we hate scousers] and you have yourself the Riley comeback formula. I've had many tweets asking me to wade into the fray (urgh why does wading remind me of his ma's fanny tours), but I won't. Yes I'm outraged that he's gone there with Rhys Jones....he'll be at it with Hillsborough next, he's predictably boring like that.  So what's his game? What's he trying to do? Like I said in my blog about keyboard warriors all they're after is a reaction and exposure, so I'm being the bigger person here and not giving it to him. The little blurt does NOT deserve it. I'm fumin that I'm even having to blog about him. BUT I won't link to him and I won't @ him or give out his username. I mean come on, he's trended in the UK about 5 or 6 times this month. I can guarantee his followers have sky rocketed - and he hasn't even had to fork out for them. His holey, stained, 3yr old Primark undies must be rock hard with jizz by now. Stop tweeting him! Just stop! Look what what we're doing for him, he's loving all this.

He's even done a little Youtube rant where he cries that people said his belt's from Primark, "well it's not its from TJ Hughes", so get told. That's the sort of calibre of idiot we're dealing with here, kicking inanimate objects and rantin to his camera nearly in tears.

Let him think he's won if that's what it takes, the little prick is so arrogant and retarded he doesn't know when he's been had off for gods sake. Please just let him fade back into obscurity, where he was before Sky News and Tom Daley did him a huge honour and made him famous. Famous for being a skinny, council estate smackrat, but famous none-the-less. Right I'm done talkin about the little prick now. Fumin. Tra.

@scousebirdprobs

xx

You can now download my blog for kindle here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B008ZPVT8Y/ref=mp_s_a_1?pi=75x56&qid=1346357010&sr=8-1

Not currently available on the iPhone/ipad kindle app. Soz aba that.



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Friday, 17 August 2012

TIK TOK - Scouse Bird Remix

10:26 | Posted by @scousebirdprobs | | Edit Post

Wake up in the morning lookin like P Diddy
Had my St Moriz dark on and my sheets look shitty
Before I leave, do my brows so they’re big and black
Then remember oh fuckin ell I aven’t tanned my back

I'm talking lookin extra fierce, fierce
Eyelashes won’t stick; tears, tears
Getting ready for years years

Slut - dropping, playing our favorite beats,bass
Get a Delta to that Moniques place
Trying to get a little bit shit faaaacccced

Slut drop, booty pop
DJ, Turn Avicii up
Tonight, give a shite
Gonna start a bitch fight
Snap snap, kitten pap
Girl you deserve a slap. yanoooo

Don't stop, this beats heavy
Lad u buyin me a bevvy?
Tonight, where’s Mr Right?
I bet he’s got a bird, that’s tight
Got Glenns, Am on the vod
An the fist pumpin don't stop, noooooo

Ain't got a care in world, cos I’m lookin scouse
Ain't got no dough in my pocket, I live in me ma’s house
And now, the drinks are linin up cos u know I'm a top blagger
Posin for facebook pictures, my duck pout like Mick Jagger

I'm talking about lads tryin on their luck, luck
That wool better fuckin duck, duck
Gonna smack him cos I’m a crank when drunk, drunk

Now, now, we go bouncers kicked us out, out
The cobbles make me fall down, down
Cobbles make me fall down down
Cobblesh makesj m,eemcf

Next stop, kebab shop
Gimme pizza or I’ll strop
Chicken wings, is right
Can you fuck have a bite
Call a cab call it a day
But I ain’t walkin all that way, nooooo

Delta's here, home mate
No ur not sorry bout the wait
Tonight, seen my shoes?
I got blisters thanks to use
Tick tock where’s me keys?
I’ve got mayo down me knees, noooo

Vodka, you build me up
You break me down
My heart, it pounds
Yeah, I got the shakes

When the suns up
Give me scran now
Large maccies sound
DIET coke please

Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in…
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Tuesday, 14 August 2012

Keyboard Warriors

12:47 | Posted by @scousebirdprobs | | Edit Post

Keyboard warriors, we've all seen them, we all feel badly ashamed for them. Whether they're tweeting a celeb with millions of followers saying "I hate you, you're a slag." thinking they're actually gonna read it and be cut to the core or it's someone announcing they're unfollowing you cos they don't like something you've said. Either way, no ones arsed lad. Just do it quietly.
I mean if you're gonna tweet a celeb with something funny, I'm all for that. I actually don't mind Gemma and Lydia from TOWIE but I will rip them for the sake of comedy. Generic insults that could be used for anyone are shit and meaningless though. "You're a slag" - Bad, "Lydia you were obviously shit at colouring in as a child judging by ur inability to stay within the lines, sort your fuckin lippy out." - Good.

Most of these melts are only after one thing, a reaction. So then they can gain publicity and followers. Seriously you're as see though as a fuckin freezer bag from home and bargain, do you think I'm fuckin soft? 9 times out of 10 I'll just ignore these people but if I feel they're especially gimpy I might reply to them on my personal account, which doesn't have nearly as many followers by the way, and stage a hostile takedown.

I find most people don't have the wit to go toe to toe with me in a keyboard duel but it's funny watching them have a go. I mean there's a few I fear, I wouldn't like to meet @ponderthepoint or my brother in a dark cyber alley or anything. I'd deffo get stabbed with a cyber knife.
I remember gettin into a duel with some cocky little slag once on my @boobleyboo account and she started bragging to ponder sayin "I'll win." Will ya love yeh? I fuckin owned the bitch within 3 tweets and ponder was DM-ing me buzzing off her. Sit down and shut up. She now follows me on @scousebirdprobs....soz aba u child.
Then there was the time I had observed a twitter war going on between some girl and a woman cos the girl had been shaggin the womans fella. A few weeks later I made a joke to @TinheadFTM regarding blowjobs and this bint tried to front me sayin I was wrong - well a quick "If you knew how to give blowies ur fella wouldn't be bangin the bird from the pub" soon shut her up. Boom love. Take a seat.

Then you've got the unfollowers. These people think you're genuinely arsed about them. These people seem to think that you will take a personal affront to the fact that you will now no longer have them invisibly following you. Tweets usually go along the line of this, "Unfollowed. You are boring me." Right for a start you don't employ me. You don't PAY me to be funny. You don't HAVE to follow me. You have no right to demand anything from me. If I'm boring you, it's sound, fuck off. You just worry about entertaining your 7 followers and I'll worry about the other 36k of them. I'm sure you have enough problems going through life as an egg anyway.
Another one I get occasionally is "I've heard you're actually such and such from round by ours therefore I'm unfollowing you." I mean what's that got to do with the price of fish? I could be some bad wool from Runcorn sittin off with me greasy side pony and me Kappa tracky and crop top but if you find my tweets and blogs funny then what's it matter? I'm not by the way. *Runs outside and checks she still has a purple wheelie bin* Plus the amount of these 'guesses' are way waaay off the mark anyway so see ya later, hater. If you're really that bothered by who you 'think' I am, unless we've got beef in real life why would you be arsed anyway?

So basically what I'm tryin to say is if you unfollow me, I won't miss you. I'm norassed, so do it quietly. However by the same token to all my followers who love my tweets and blogs, you're all sound and may your tans never go streaky.

Inabit

@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs

xx
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Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Diet starts Monday

11:41 | Posted by @scousebirdprobs | | Edit Post
Here we are again. It’s Monday morning. Fellas everywhere are lamenting the start of the working week, they think they have problems? Us girls are lamenting the start of our diets after no doubt falling spectacularly off the wagon over the weekend, or rather falling out of Mr Chips with a pizza in one hand and fried chicken in the other. We know full well we’ll probably only last until Monday lunchtime, maybe Tuesday night if we’re feeling particularly wilful, but either way we will start in earnest chasing the perfect bikini body as soon as we’ve waved goodbye to the weekend. All the while cursin them skinny slags eatin an XL double whopper meal goin “Oh I can’t even put weight on, it’s a pain.” Yeh that’s cos as soon as everyone’s backs turned you’re runnin the bogs to vom it all up you lying little cow.



I’ve been on more diets than you can shake a stick at. In fact I’d go as far as to say that I’ve been on a diet since the age of 12, that’s most of my life. I’ve done Atkins, The South Beach Diet, Anorexia (lasted an hour), bulimia (well I gave it a go but the only vomming I like to do is after a shot of sambuca), Alli, diet pills, Slimming World, Weight Watchers. I consider myself an expert. Those who can’t do, teach eh?



One time when I was giving slimming world a bash, I woke up Sunday morning after a heavy night on the vodka diet cokes, passed out on the couch (hadn’t made it up the stairs) and I found SW home-made chocolate mousse spread out all over the floor. What the…? Ah well, I thought, at least I didn’t get a pizza. That’s a first! I lay there on the couch dying and watching the Hollyoaks omnibus, made up with myself and feeling pretty smug at how boss I was at dieting. Then I noticed the teeniest tiniest sliver of tomato sauce sittin off under my fingernail, winking at me. Er, what are you? How did you get there? I rang my mate, “Hiya, did I have pizza last night?”

“Are you messin?”

“Er no, I woke up with chocolate mousse all over the floor. I don’t remember having pizza.”

“Girl, you had a pizza, 2 pieces of fried chicken while you were waiting for the pizza and you had your stopwatch on your phone out givin the pizza man a countdown cos you wanted your pizza RAAAR NOW.”

“Oh FFS!”

Spectacular fail.


Then there was the time when my thirst for pizza nearly burnt the house down. You may or may not remember earlier on in the year when a certain scouse messiah had his birthday party in bar red. Yeh I got home from that night, whacked a pizza in the oven, fell asleep on the couch and woke up to this. A cookie size piece of charcoal – it was 12” when it went in. The place stunk for weeks. On the bright side, at least I didn’t get to eat it.



With regards to diet pills there’s only 2 ways they can go. You can either be bouncing round like you’ve had a spoonful of speed for breakfast and have the constant worry that you may in fact be having a heart attack in your twenties…or there’s Alli. That’s a class all of its own. It works by stopping your body from absorbing any fat in your food. Where does this fat then go? They don’t tell you this. They leave you to find out for yourself. I remember the day after I started taking it I went the toilet for a wee, did a sly lady like trump and BANG toilet full of red oil! I did not know what was happening. I would’ve shit myself had I not been terrified of the consequences. Oh the glamorous side of dieting eh? Sorry. Too much info – but people need to be warned!!! We've all got our dieting horror stories to tell.



The only thing so far that’s worked is getting regular exercise. Sorry I know I’m telling you what deep down you already know but there’s no magic cure to our terminal heffa-dom. We are greedy bitches and the only way to combat is to sweat it out. May I recommend Zumba.



Good luck girls and remember your diet mantras!



Sexy for Mexi


No pizza before Ibiza


No carbs before marbs


Like a rake for Sharm el Sheik


Skinny for Domminy
 

No ham before the dam
 

Lots of poo-ey before Koh Samui


No grease before Greece



Etc etc



Inabit



@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs



Xxx

Ps Startin Weight Watchers today.




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Friday, 3 August 2012

The Fine Line

11:16 | Posted by @scousebirdprobs | | Edit Post
A guest blog by Ponderthepoint


You may not agree with a lot of my views because, while you are a girl who likes to keep up on the latest fashion trends and one of the most important things for you is to look good for your mates as much as anything (so they don't call you a meff behind your back), I'm a lad who couldn't give a fuck what Gok Wan said on his latest TV show, I just want to nail you and I want you to look good while I do it. The closest I come to talking about fashion is taking the piss out of the new Man United home kit because it looks like a table cloth, but that doesn't mean my opinion is invalid; animals look attractive to get the attention of the opposite sex, resulting in mating and humans are no different. You might think you're dressing to look fitter than Jenna the fat whale because you don't want to become the grenade of your group of mates, but in reality, you're dressing in an attempt to get slotted by most attractive male who will do it. It's very simple science.

Scouse birds know more than most how important the eyebrows are, I've even seen them described as the nipples of the face and I agree, nicely shaped and maintained eyebrows do look good. What doesn't look good is when birds take this too far and go ultra '"scouse" brow, scouse is in quotations because this look is not fucking scouse, scouse birds are known as being some of the most attractive and when the inside of their eyebrows are about 34 times wider than the outside, it's not attractive. The alternative "scouse" brow is also not attractive and is best described by Jodie Lundstram when she called them "monstrous", you know what else is monstrous? A fucking monster, and that's what you'll look like when half of your forehead is an eyebrow. If they were the nipples of the face they'd have them nipples that cover most of the boob and make you look like you had a solid 20 years of breastfeeding on your CV.

The first thing I think when I see a girl in the public eye with rollers in is, "fucking hell, going out tonight are we? Well in". If girls only went out with their rollers in when it was absolutely necessary, the fact is that we wouldn't see even half of the amount that we do every weekend. Sadly, it has become the cool thing to do, stop being a meff and get your pint of milk earlier in the day. It wouldn't be okay for a lad to get three quarters of his head shaved, tell the barber he'll be back in a bit, go and have a look at some clothes and do a bit of grocery shopping, then go back to finish it off, because he'd look like a tit and so do you. If you were getting ready to go out and the house went on fire I'd let you off for walking the streets in rollers, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of these birds went shopping in the day only to come home to a night of Corrie and flicking their bean with curly hair for no reason at all.

Night-out-footwear is split into 3 categories, flats are worn by gimpy indie girls who are too cool to dress up, like it or not, feet are more of a sexual part of the body than you would expect, have you ever seen a porno where the woman isn't wearing heels? If you have it was probably shit. I don't know what it is about kitten heels, I can't pin down the actual reason why they are so fucking disgusting but I can only imagine myself penetrating the wearer's skull with them when I see them. If you're going out, put some high heels on, they're sexy, it makes lads want to bang you, I'm not even arsed if you're 6 foot 6, that's not an excuse, just don't be necking anyone smaller than you.

There's not much left to say from a lad's perspective, unless I was bent then I'd bring up all sorts of shite about styles and brands or something I equally don't give a fuck about, so here's where I'll cap it off. I like natural beauty, but on the flip side I also like fake tits, fake nails, fake eyelashes, fake lips and fake-non-wrinkles (botox), as long as you don't glue one of them little fake gem things to your forehead for a night out then I'd probably smash you.

I told you you wouldn't agree with a lot of my views.

@PonderThePoint

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