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Scouse bird with a vodka dependency and an acute sense of social observation. Always self deprecating, always blunt. Follow me on twitter WARNING: Non-scousers may not understand language of this blog.
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Sunday, 18 March 2012

Tequila - It makes you slaggy!

This was a big weekend. The one weekend where we celebrate ginger heritage and general drunkard-ness everywhere. That's right, swerve Paddy's day it's @susielovesvodka's birthday.
The weekend started as it should do, with a vodka and orange in the the bath after a swift Zumba workout. It's never too early for vodka and orange, it's more of a breakfast beverage than vodka diet coke. Top alcy tip that.

Susie rolled out of bed at the grand old age of 27, arthritis in her joints and overnight wrinkles appearing and we decided spur of the moment to go get pampered. This was a traumatic experience trying to find a hairdressing appointment at such short notice on a Saturday, let alone on St Susie Day but luckily, twitter is powerful and the ladies at @HairSerenity came to the rescue. I was in a right state, my extensions were hangin looser than Denise Welch in a hot tub and they were knockin me sick (scouse bird problems) plus I wanted to give this new dip dying thing a cheeky go. Cue an afternoon of sittin off talkin aba mazzy and not so mazzy lashes (yes lads, photos WERE passed around. You show pics of birds tits to your mates so don't for one second think that we don't do the same) and drinking desperadoes - could this be the scousest hairdressers in Liverpool? I reckon so. It was touch an go for a while whether I'd come out sporting a Bettie Page fringe or not but something told me it would be a disastrous gym look. Susie took the plunge though and decided to take a swim in lake fringe. Hot gym instructor later told her that it looks like she's wearing a helmet...smart move boobleyboo, smart move.

Last night I was on a mission. A pulling mission. I myself am not on the pulling graft at the moment, I'm currently seeing someone, unfortunately Susie is not in the same boat. After a recent disappointing encounter with Mr Freddo Grass which I've been forbidden to go into, we were looking for a new man for the birthday girl. I put on my best pulling jacket (I call it my pulling jacket cos it's covered in looped tassels and will literally hook on to men) and we were ready to go flat out with our rat out. Classy. 

At the bar in the revo ordering my usual round, 2 diet cokes (I'm pacing myself) and 2 tequilas (NOT - i've just got handbag vodka you fools) a walking combover in a slim fit cardi sidled up and tried to get served first. This was a capital punishment, trying to get in between me and ale is a bad move. He had to pay the price. The price was another 2 shots of tequila, ta very much Mr Combover! He seemed to take this as some kind of come on, but he doesn't know me.

 "So what's your facebook?"

"Jog on, I don't have facebook."

"You're lying, let me add you on facebook."

At this point Susie chipped in wondering what was going on. So I told her aba the melt asking me for my Facebook details.

"AaAAAYYYYYY we don't have Facebook!!" she confirmed.

"See? Now fuck off." This fuck off was accompanied by a head tilt and a thumb point in the direction I thought he should fuck off to. We swanned off, diet cokes in hand an proceeded to Zumba, fist pump and Jersey Turnpike all over the revo. 

That was when I spotted my prey. A man with a tattoo sleeve. Now I had to approach the situation carefully as Susie had just given his mate a tear-jerker of a wedgie for no reason at all other than she felt like it. I had to be subtle and play it cool...."Ay mate! Have you got a mazzy lash or wot?"

He looked stunned but fair play to him, he was game. I managed to get the indie boy with the tattoo sleeves in the Ramones t-shirt to describe length and girth to me. "Right ok, you'll do, neck her!" I said pointing to Susie. Game on. I've become worried recently that her virginity is growing back plus I wanted to spread top goosing and goodwill to all men so I took matters into my own hands and decided he was comin home with us. Not for a threesome, I don't play that way, but like Jeremiah and cos I'm a boss wingman I was gettin my bezzie some birthday sex. Plus I knew there was a giant costco pizza at home and I didn't want to share. Ramone was the perfect distraction. Ulterior motives.

So after a drunken 2am phonecall to the fella, never a good idea but always gotta be done, I lashed the pizza in the oven and lay on the couch to rest my eyes. This was a disastrous move, I did the same thing after Big Jee's Birthday night out and woke up 4 hrs later to a piece of charcoal and a house that stunk for days. Susie was on the ball though and even though she was busy showing Ramone her coin collection she came down to check on me and made sure I didn't burn the house down. Top mate.

I woke up this morning to find that Ramone hadn't been lashed in a Delta yet. I was fumin. If he reckoned he was gettin breakfast I was gonna be an arlarse and serve him watery porridge without sugar even - the bacon and eggs is only reserved for us and for fella material. Turns out Ramone was sound though. I went and lay in bed with them, again not a threesome situation, more laid across their legs like a trusty dog. A trusty cockblocking dog. We schooled him up on the scouse twitter scene and made him listen to The 53's. We're always on the fan graft for The 53's. Him and his mates also seem to be the only scousers on twitter who hadn't heard of JesusChristFTM, TinheadFTM & Ponder The Point....it was weird, like some sort of soundness vacuum. This conversation broke my vodka induced dream about Ponder the Point havin the mange. Like the mange someone used to say you had in school and you'd fume an go "I Havent!!!" Well everyone should now point at Ponder an go "eeee you've got the mange!" 

After breaking into song at every available opportunity and doing a Zumba toning track with 2 Smirnoff bottles in my PJ's, Ramone has decided that a) I'm alot like Jess from new girl and b) he loves us. So much so he's decided to be a permenant walking #FF for us. Nice one Ramone.

Who's that girl? Who's that girl? It's @Boobleyboo!