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Scouse bird with a vodka dependency and an acute sense of social observation. Always self deprecating, always blunt. Follow me on twitter WARNING: Non-scousers may not understand language of this blog.
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Saturday, 3 March 2012

Pet Hates

Last night I was supposed to be going to see The 53's, something which I'd been looking forward to for AGES, like a 5 yr old kid waiting to go see four talented scouse santas but fate had other ideas. Not only was I in a foul mood because someone had been in my wardrobe while I was out, stolen all my decent clothes and replaced them with a collection of shit clobber, but also while getting ready I was hit by wave upon wave of nausea. I was grounded. Bedridden for the night while @susielovesvodka & @staceylouise109 went out reppin. Foul mood from last night spilled over into today, exacerbated by them two, still bladdered and breath stinkin like a badgers fart started screeching round the house from 10am onwards. Fuck off.
So I thought tonight, angry and in on my own again would be a perfect time to vent about all the things that piss me off in the world. Here goes. Blog therapy.

1. Men in cleavage tops.

Jesus. This really grinds my gears. I can't think of ANYTHING more repulsive to me that a man with his cleavage out. Give a shit how big your pecs are. Put them away, otherwise you'll never  pull a bird and the only tits you'll be jizzing over are your own, as you wank off in the mirror. One night out in town I saw this guy with a Cleavage top + hairy chest and I actually screamed. At the top of my lungs. It was scarring.

I'm sorry I can't even cope with Chuck Bass doing it. No Chuck....Nooooo! Men should only be allowed to wear the standard Gun Display Cabinet t-shirt. Much more attractive.

2. Lesbian Hair.

To me this can loosely be defined as anything shorter than a bob. I just don't understand why you'd want to make yourself look as unfeminine as possible. Unless you are a lesbian, then go ahead - maybe havin a number 2 down one side of your head could be like some sort of signal. Saves all the confusion when the gaydar goes west. 
One time I went to Sassoon studio in town FOR A TRIM. I'd just taken my extensions out after I felt my hair had grown to a sufficient length and the ends were looking a bit rat-taily. Some incredibly camp irish guy (trying to recruit me I reckon...and why are they always irish??) got all scissor happy and an hour later I'm walking out with chin length lesbian hair. There were razors involved. I was practically suicidal. £600 and some russian 18" extensions later I was back to my old self. Most expensive haircut ever.

3. The awkward moment.

Who fuckin started this shit? It's been knockin about for aba a year or so now and it doesn't make me fume any less. 99% of the time the awkward moment being described isn't even awkward. Eyar let me just search for a couple of examples right now:

"The awkward moment when you play Black Ops and get so far you hear eminem rap"

"The awkward moment when you're facetiming and you wonder why it's not coming on and then you realise Wifi isn't on"

"The awkward moment when you're wearing a watch but you check the time on your phone"

What the fuck?????? None of those things are awkward. In fact, it's a bit awkward that you think they are. Fuckin emos. Piss off out my life and off twitter.

4. Use of the word random.

Main perpetrators are same as the ones who do the awkward moment shouts. Wools and emos mainly. I cringe at people using the word random, especially because random is almost certainly not the word they're looking for. Typically they actually mean one of 4 things.

  • "O M G we just packed up and went on like a random road trip." - see the word you were looking for there fuckwit was spontaneous. You went on a spontaneous roadtrip. Say it with me now.
  • "Take a look at my totally cool photo album on facebook of all random nights out" - no love you haven't plucked these photos out of a collection by pointing with your eyes shut. It's a miscellaneous collection of photos from different nights out. MISCELLANEOUS.
  • "Oh I was just talking about this guy who looks like Justin Bieber and I'm sooo in love with him but he like doesn't even know I exist and then I bumped into him at the mall *cough* I mean Liverpool One. It was sooo random" Close but no cigar. It was a co-incidence.
  • "That girl in class wears nerd glasses and odd socks and has OJ on her breakfast cereal, she's so random." Nah she's a fuckin freak yano. Go with unusual next time.

By the way, if I read the word random in a tweet I will automatically read it in an American accent, if you didn't get that already. I blame the yanks for emos.

5. IZA

Bit of a personal vendetta for me and anyone who's worked in a bank will probably relate but I can't stand people who pronounce ISA as IZA. Where the fuck are you finding this Z from? Over 60's I'm looking at you here. My hatred got so bad that I used to be a proper cunt about it and correct them everytime they said it. 

"I'd like to make a withdrawal from my IZA?"

"Oh your ISA?"

"Yes that, what are the rates on your IZA'S by the way?"

"Here's a leaflet on our ISA rates"

This would go on until they left me alone. Schooled in ISA pronunciation.

6. Kids

Kids in general piss me off. They're always just....there. Being annoying, getting in my way. Sometimes I just want to fashion a giant bowling ball and knock them all down. STRRRRRIIKKKE!! But I reckon I'd get disapproving looks and there's those pesky laws an that. What pisses me off the most though and one of the reasons I took the leap over to twitter was pictures of kids on facebook. Now there's been pictures of kids on my facebook for years, there's always them slaggy ones from school who start poppin them out as soon as they get their first pack of Bodyform (WWOOOOOOOOAAAAHHH BODYFORM BODYFORM FOR YOOOOOOUUU - yeh you try saying bodyform without thinking of that advert) but recently I've got to that age where everyone I know is poppin out sprogs like a Japanese ping pong ball artiste. 

Dear everyone ever, 

No one and I mean NO ONE, and definitely not me, is interested in pictures of your kids apart from you and paedophiles. So unless you're just dying to get a like on your photo off Gary Glitter or the local flasher, PACK IT IN. Ta


That'll do for now. I feel loads better. I'm sure this subject will be revisited at some point as quite alot of things piss me off really, but this blog therapy session is over.





Jenna New said...

So fucking true about these fucking kids!
i hate them in restaurants more! its like piss off and go get a happy meal.

Great blog (Bit of a shit up your arse comment but its true)