Tuesday, 14 February 2012

50 first dates

Well not 50 first dates, but seeing as it's Valentines day I thought I'd get into the festive spirit and share with you some of the first dates I've experienced. None of these led to second dates. So whether you're single or in a relationship - either way just be glad you're not me.

1. The Vampire Soldier.

I met this fella back when I used to work in a face to face customer service job (something which I thank my lucky stars every day that I no longer do), we got on well, we had a bit of banter and a bit of the old eye sex and that was that. He was a soldier and he went back to Afghanistan or wherever. Anyway about a year later he came back in and we swapped numbers. He told me how he'd always remembered me but he'd just started seeing someone when he'd been back on leave early on in the year. I took that as my cue to stop texting him and thought nothing more of it. A few weeks later while I was on holiday I got a text saying he's split up with this bird and did I want to go out. "Sure." I thought. Unfortunately it was all downhill from there.

First of all I got to the bar, he was nowhere to be seen so I got the bevvies in. I'm sound like that. He turns up twenty minutes later with no apology and said he'd been drinking beers and lost track of time. Really?? He then told me how upset he was because he'd just been dumped that day. Wait a minute.....What??! I was young back then and inexperienced in the world of dating so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and just went with it. After a couple of drinks we went over to the Living Room on Victoria Street (for you out of towners) and it was my round. Yeh I'd worked out he wasn't a gent by this point. So i'm queing up at the bar in my backless dress and I feel him behind me. Next thing I know he bites me. Now I'm not talking a playful nibble I'm talking like a rabid dog. It hurt. I spun round as if Satan himself had just rammed a hot poker up me arse, "Did you just BITE me?" His answer to this was to bend down and bite me again, harder, on the bottom of my back. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM!! I was mortified! Game over pal. Taxi! He followed me outside and delivered the final punchline, "So we goin back to yours or mine?" Yeah. Really.

2. Benjamin Button

Now Im happy being single at the moment, but there have been times I haven't been so happy and I'm ashamed to say I've ventured into the world of online dating. For the record, every single one of those dates has made this blog. Dating sites are as infested with psychos as Frankie Cocozzas undies are infested with crabs. Don't do it, unless ur a weirdo yourself, in which case, knock yourself out! This is one of those dates.

I'd been talking to Jack for about a week or so. He was funny, I was funny....but he was from Widnes. I should have known it'd be disastrous. I had to meet him off the train at Lime Street (urgh) and we went to a nearby bar. He got through half of his first pint and went the toilet. We chatted a little more. He finished his first pint and went the toilet. More chatting. Some extremely crude jokes on his part, enough to offend even me and I consider myself pretty unshockable. He got through half his second pint and went the toilet. He finished his second pint and went the toilet. I was gettin a bit pissed off by this point. I mean I myself know what it's like when you've broken the golden seal but this fella was takin the piss, no pun intended. He had to empty his bladder at exactly every half pint point. Plus I couldn't get over the fact that he was 22 and had a combover to cover the fact he was going bald. He was prematurely bald AND incontinent. Either that or he had a seeeerrrrious beak problem. Or he was texting another girl. None of this was attracting me. I decided to wrap up the date and made my excuses to go, that when he bowled me over with "So are we going back to yours yeh?" Er no love. No.

3. The Posh Twat

After the disastrous date with Jack, a few weeks later I found myself agreeing to a date with Ben. Ahhh Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. Where do I start with Ben?

We'd again been chatting online for about a week and decided to go to the comedy club on the albert dock for something a bit different. Now Ben was from London and had moved up here a few months previously for work. I trotted off to Circo in a killer dress and heels expecting to be meeting up with some sexy cockney talking geezer. I nearly died. He was wearing Deirdre Barlow specs, a bow tie and a pullover. I shit you not. He reached out and shook my hand "Hi I'm Ben." Yup he talked like an 80's yuppy. On more than one occasion he actually said, without a hint of irony, "Yar" instead of yes. Chatting with him, not only was he a Conservative voting city worker, he was also a member of the Countryside Alliance. i.e. pro fox hunting and all that jazz. Sometimes do you ever just stop and think "How did my life so far lead up to this point?" The date with Ben was one of them moments - and it was about to get worse. We went the comedy club, the scouse comedians and vodka helped to take my mind off the fact I was sitting next to a walking, talking shame-bomb for half an hour, but the interval soon came round and I was forced to start chatting again. I hate ironing and I used to get my ironing done by some woman round by ours who'd come and pick it up and drop it all off again a couple of days later for £20. This was pre-recession days and before I'd learnt how to shake something before hanging it up to dry. This somehow came up in conversation and Ben said, "Oh well you wouldn't make a very good housewife would you?", I looked at him, he didn't seem to be joking. He pressed on, "So how many children do you want to have?" Jesus this man meant business! "None" I replied, "I hate kids." He looked annoyed, "Right we should leave this conversation for another time because I want lots of kids." WHAT??? I had a feeling Ben was only dating me for my womb. I ended the date as it began, with a shaking of hands. When Ben text me the next day inviting me out for dinner I politely declined with a 'I think we want different things'. Very, very different things.

4. The Sweet Gobbler

Another internet date. Like an on-off relationship, you keep going back hoping that you can work it out, that things will be different this time. NO. 

This guy had a grin that made Julia Roberts smile look like a cats arsehole. It was fucking huge. Freakishly so. He looked like the Joker every time he smiled and it FREAKED.ME.OUT. He very shadily wouldn't tell me what he did for a living. Now you should never refuse to tell me something because it absolutely drives me mad. I need to know things. I have a natural curiosity. This guy was making out like he was some sort of mafia boss. I eventually got it out of him that he owned a cafe and had purchased the fridges for it illegally. Oh wow. Big deal. Do I look like an undercover policewoman? Give a shit. He then told me how some smackhead used to come in every day and buy her sprog a Twix for breakfast. One morning...for a laugh apparently...he locked the kid in one of the glass front fridges for an hour and laughed at it. I hope it wasn't on at the time, I really do. He then went the bar in the Ship & Mitre and came back with a ridiculous amount of jelly sweets which they sell above the bar. He then stuffed every last one in his mouth - without explanation. I went the bogs and did a runner. Fuck that.

5. Jimmy Carr

I obviously didn't really date Jimmy Carr. Last August I split up with my ex just before the Mathew Street Festival. I was made up if I'm honest. He was a whole world of hassle. But that's a tale for another time. 

So of course me and @Susielovesvodka went the festival and had Bubba Kegs (like giant flask cups) the size of our heads filled with vodka and cranberry juice and a decent few cans of cider. We were trawling the streets hammered and causing a general nuisance of ourselves.
We got talking to a fella who was cracking the funnies left right and centre. He had a certain look of Jimmy Carr about him sure, but in my vodka buzz I could deal with that. Funny men really do it for me, well more than fitties, I quite liked him. Next thing this fat mess bounced over screeching, "JIMMMMMYYYYY, U SWORE UD NEVER CHEAT ON ME JIMMY!" and proceeded to eat his head. Or maybe she was trying to neck him. I don't know. We realised that this was the same classy bird than not five minutes earlier we'd actually seen taking a shit down the side of cavern walks. Yes, a shit. And now she was dragging her tits along the floor and cock blocking me. Time to make a swift exit.

The next day me and @susielovesvodka decided to sign up for internet dating, yano cos we never learn. The next morning rather freakishly I woke up to a message off him. I messaged him back saying, "Did I see you at the Mathew St festival?!" This was fate. This was destiny. We HAD to go on a date. Well destiny can fuck raaaaar off!
He turned up, he looked more like Jimmy Carr than Jimmy Carr does. Damn you vodka haze. His sense of humour was weird. He proceeded to tell the barman we were here on our first wedding anniversary as I stood there, awkwardly cringing and having some real 'fight or flight' instincts. But I decided to stick with it and he ordered me a small wine. It was awful. Just awful. The date not the wine. My cheeks ached from politely fake smiling. I checked my exits, there was no way out without being seen leggin it. I went the bar for my round, because despite spending the last half an hour telling me how rich he was and me being quite clearly out of his league he let me get the round in. 
As I ordered the wine the barman asked me, "Small or large?" 
"Better make it a large mate."
"So it's not your first wedding anniversary then?"
"Is it shite. It's the date from hell."
I got a bit more pissed and he got a bit more bearable but it was certainly not enough to get a second date. I couldn't watch 8 out of 10 cats for weeks without wretching.

So there ya go guys. If you're single, thank your lucky stars and just have a ball! And if you're in a relationship be happy you've found someone who's either as normal or as weird as you are! Happy Valentines day.