Handbag Vodka: A tale of two besties

Now that @maverivk85p has birded me up offish I was worried that life would become a bit boring and I'd start RT-ing the notebook quotes every few mins like them knobhead birds you always see when you blatantly know it means their fella treats them like a gym membership - a waste of money and a pain in the arse obligation. But luckily although I'm far superior to him in every way he's still a sound lad and is fast moving up the bestie ranks to compete with @susielovesvodka for my attention.

This weekend was a weekend of two besties. Friday night I finally got to go see The 53's - in the Krazyhouse no less. I'd been to @hairserenity AKA @scousesalon beforehand and I was rocking a scouse quiff 5 miles high. I'd not been able to faketan the pins cos I spent most of the week in Kirkby and I was plannin on wearin me hotpants (to showcase the Zumba arse to the best of my ability). This was a disaster. I needed to blorange and fast! So I whipped on a layer of St Moriz dark, a layer of Home & Bargain instant tan AND a layer of Ted Baker shimmer tan. Kinell those legs were good to go.

Susie and I hawled ass to Baa Bar on hardman street on the Baa Bakewell graft and we swanned right past Susie's tithead of an ex on the door.

"Did you just see him?"

"Who?" I said.

"My ex"

"SHUT UP!!"

So I did a quick 180, opened the door, laughed in his face then walked back in to down shots and do Zumba routines.

On the way out, Susie was lookin fly so fly and walked past him with her head held high....that was until she fell off her shoe and went arse over tit in front of him. Smooth move Susie, nice work bird.

We stumbled off to the Krazyhouse and pulled the 'arl 'dont you know who I am?' routine to the bouncer who buzzed us off at first til we insisted he check the guestlist. Then we were in and I finally managed to cuddle Nige dead hard and berate him for unfollowing ME cos @susielovesvodka put on twitter that I trumped. Lying bitch, I don't even trump, Im a lady!

Michael McDecent was decent and Jay Gaugler had mazzy hands. Paul the lead singer exuded a raw animal magnetism that only lead singers can, even if he was wearin a snide xmas jumper his nan had made him. They did their set on a stage where as a 16 year old goth (before emos were invented) I'd thrown up 241 watermelon bacardi breezers and fell akip. Oh the memories! I was at the front singin along like a fuckin tithead Belieber. I'm so cool it hurts.

After a bit, bein the only non emo scouse bird in there and repeatedly fallin off me wedges and threatenin to break me ankle I decided to bail and go chow down a burger and pizza. Diet starts Monday (it won't).

I woke up the next morning and shit my pants at the blorangeness of me legs and the height of me quiff. I'd gone to bed a brunette Amanda Harrington and woken up a middle eastern Amy Winehouse. WTF. I had a hot date with @maverick85p and I felt like takin the knock. There was only one thing for it, stella shandy curer in the bath and some serious hair raggin.

I managed to get the quiff down from 'girls night out' height to 'daytime shoppin an date with your fella' height. A subtle difference of aba half an inch. It's all in the details. Put some new slap on an me new River Island maxi dress, a mazzy pair of sunglasses later I was good to go.

Fuckin giants. Fuckin bastard giants. That's all I have to say about it. Town was rammed and I was fuckin fyuuuumin aba it. I went the apple shop to swap me phone which had been lashed about a fair bit an half the screen had fell out. Paddy was on the verge of swervin me cos it pained him to look at it. Fanny.

An then we went off to Carraghers bar, the extreme crowds in town meant I was dyin for a bevvy and he wanted to watch the match. NOREVEN Liverpool. I was done up like a dogs dinner and looked like a pyaa match slag, but I'm a sound bird so I just got on with it an tweeted and stood on peoples toms.

We were late for our meal at Gusto but they were proper sound about it and sorted us out with some amazin scran an Natalie & Stefan were brillant. The nutella calzone is straight up filthy food porn. Norassed.

I then gave Paddy a treat by takin him to meet the little fitty that is Holly Henderson in blue bar for vodkas an shots - while he had a dance off with her new hench cagefighter fella me and her talked maggot willies and botox. Proper funny night.

We got a taxi home and Paddy although he claimed he's a seasoned drinker bailed the taxi on me and tried to get into next door. Then when I finally let him in my gaff he knocked it everywhere. These Kirkby wools, can't take them anywhere - and you certainly can't give them tequila. I put him into bed with a sick bucket as he rambled on about how it was Susies fault and it was in fact her who'd pyenged everywhere. Hand to fod.

He was feelin a little delicate the next day to say the least so after shovin a quarterpounder meal an chicken nuggets down his grid I downloaded a film for us to watch. All dead legal an above board like honest. I decided on 'Friends with benefits'

Putting it on it looked a little bit like a porn film. No I thought it can't be. The film must just start with them watching a porn film or some such shit like that. I waited...it carried on...and on...

"Hmmm babe I'm just gonna fast forward a bit."

MINGE EVERYWHERE!! Full on porn film. I pissed meself laughin for aba 10 mins. See how lucky is he? Not only does he get to hob nob with fit models but he also gets porn downloaded for him instead of chick flicks. Envy of Liverpool you la.

Anyways that was me weekend.

Inabit

@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs

xxx

ps get on me stalker @princesstinker7 - shes even done her own blog handbagcocktail.blogspot.com I laughed, then blocked. Birds from Middlesborough and tryin to blog in a scouse accent. Some proper crazies knockin about.

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