Handbag Vodka: April 2012

What a week it's been! Picture this, last Saturday I come out the bath after a vigorous and sweaty Zumba session, yano just minding my own business when @susielovesvodka shoves her iphone raar in me grid and goes "Have you seen this?!" Some silly slag had only gone and ripped off my #ScouseBirdProblems hashtag which I've been churning out quality shouts on for months (the last one just 1hr before she set up the account) and passed it off as her own creation hadn't she? And worse....she's spelt probs with a Z. Fucking vile. In fact I've just gone on twitter on the laptop now an noticed she's rinsed my prowy pic for her background. Really love? K'sake.

Well I was livid. I stormed round the house fuming and repeating over and over "Is she messin??!!" Susie tried to speak to me and I fumed on her. I phoned @maverick85p and fumed on him for a bit. Fuck, I even went to argos to take something back and fumed on the woman there. Alright I didn't have any kind of proof of purchase but go and fuck yourself to hell you till bitch.

Being a dedicated scouse bird I had an appointment with the lovely Chinese lady on County Rd to go and get my talons infilled and I knew I'd end up grabbing the lecky filer and filing her eyes out if I didn't take drastic action and fast. So I ran over to B&M and got me some vodka & coke in a can. Vodka solves all lifes problems don't ya know. I prefer Glenns but this was Smirnoff, beggars can't be choosers and it did the trick.

As I sat in the nail shop I decided there was no point being mad, I'll just play the game. So 1 week on I'm sitting on 10k+ followers on @scousebirdprobs, granted she's ahead still but only because she got a headstart and people actually think I'M the copy, and no one likes a copy but It's a marathon not a sprint.

Big thanks go to my good friends @TinheadFTM, @ponderthepoint, @Bootle_tweets, @scouse_tweets & @JesusChristFTM and to all the lovely celebs who are now following me & have been good enough to RT. I couldn't have got here without you. I LOVE EVERY LAST FOLLOWER - and what keeps me going is hearing I've made someone laugh or cheered someone up, so I'll keep going until I no longer do that.

Here's the tweets so far if anyone's missed it:

Scouse Beauty Problems

Sweating your scouse brows off at the gym
Knowing that somewhere, out there, non scouse birds think it's ok to wear kitten heels
Pressing start on the sunbeds and having to do a ninja dash to get in position
Drawing your scouse brows on wonky
Needing botox from the age of 25 onwards cos you've spent so much of your life snarling
Realising you can't tale your top off cos you've just put your rollers in
Trying to have a disco nap in rollers
Snapping a nail while pulling your spanx up
Waking up and momentarily thinking you've shit the bed cos you've slept in fake tan.
Getting your nails done and having to learn how to text all over again
Realising you've got see through Primark leggings on but you're wearing your worst knickers
Not being able to remember wearing anything on your feet other than Ugg boots everytime summer rolls around.
Having to go for the pin up look again cos you've got a massive spor & need to sport an eyeliner mole
Not being able to find the sharpener for your scouse brow pencil
Proper fumin cos some birds got your primark dress on
Having major hair envy cos some birds hair is bigger than yours
Debating whether or not to lash the 5th pair of eyelashes on or just stick with 4 and go for the natural look
Thinking that Gok Wan doesn't put enough bows and ruffles on things for your liking
Wishing you were a size 4 so you could go the Red Hot Buffet and eat yourself up to an 8
Going the gym with a hangover cos you badly need to look sound in a bikini for Ibiza
Doing one legs, bums & tums class and being genuinely baffled as to why you can't see your 6 pack yet
Nearly battering the Chinese lady in the nail shop for filing your cuticles
All your towels being covered in bright red hair dye and ya ma flippin
Having s hot date with a ped egg once a week cos you spend your life in heels so high they'd make a stripper think twice
Hoping you'll bump into Coleen Rooney on ladies day and she'll ask you where you got your dress from
Constantly smelling of digestives
Going on a diet Monday morning, coming off diet Monday night
Singing "No patch, no streak, to fake tan - you need gloves. Nothin you need but gloves!" while you fake tan to Rebecca Ferguson
Maybe she's born with it, maybe its collection 2000
Being seriously freaked out by birds who don't wear make up
Staying at your fellas, forgetting your hairbrush and going to work looking like you've been ragged everywhere. Cos you have.
Having a week long headache after gettin your extensions tightened
Feeling dead skinny when you waking up in the morning but wantin to slit your wrists when that feeling doesn't last past breakfast
Being due on and wreckin your diet by eating 20 freddos in one go
Having a mental breakdown when you can't stick your eyelashes on straight
Being jealous of Drakes scouse brows
Letting your hair dry naturally & waking up looking like Diana Ross' love child
Boots being out of eyelure 107's
Trying to do a vintage quiff a la Jodie Lundstram & just bein told by everyone you've left your roller in your fringe
This hair isn't mine. Well technically it is, I paid for it. Possession is 9/10ths of the law.
Having those extra 3 minutes on the beds and not bein able to sit down all night cos you've burnt your arse cheeks
Fumin cos you can't get your scouse bun big enough
Thinking the birds pre makeover on snog marry avoid need to make more of an effort
Having bits like a plucked chicken after goin for your bikini wax
Looking back on pictures of yourself pre scouse brow and realising you resembled an albino
Wondering what the fuck you used to do with your hair before straighteners were invented
Running out of dry shampoo and your fringe looking like you've just done a shift in the lobster pot
Always leaving an orange tideline round the bath
Bein gutted that Marcus collins is too busy warbling an snake hippin all over the show to do your curly blow anymore
Smudging a scousebrow when you're late for work
Waking up and realising your St Moritz has gone pete tong an you look like Michael Jackson mid race change
Left eyelashes - good. Right eyelashes - rogue. Eyelash application Tourette's is inevitable
You walk past Jaiden an he screams that your extensions look shit. Stiletto raaar in the grid
Going to home & bargain and them being out of St Moritz extra dark
Doing a superb smokey eye on one side of your grid then lookin like you've been smacked one by your fella on the other

Scouse Fella Problems

Becoming invisible to the opposite sex everytime the Merseyside Derby is one
Being in bed with your fella & secretlt fantasising about a spit roast with @JesusChristFTM & @TinheadFTM
Not being enough footballers to go round us all
Thinking you've just pulled the lad of your dreams and then clocking his ankle tag
Being too ashamed to admit your fellas from Kirkby
Eyeing up some fit lad all night then he opens his gob and he's from Wigan
Having to do the walk of shame because the fella you banged last night is too tight to pay for a delta
Having to set up international roaming when you go and see your fella on the Wirral (in disguise obviously)
Getting a back hand off your fella for spilling fake tan on his new 110's
Being called a bad sweat for giving a fella the KB
Hoping and praying that one day you'll wake up and your fella will tell you HE'S @JesusChristFTM
Telling your fella you're not on anymore and his idea of foreplay becomes "Get them knickers of raaar now. I'm serious"
Tryna blag your new fella you're not a door whore when he gets on to the fact you're on first name terms with all the bouncers
Thinking you've made it when your new fella takes you out for a meal in the Newz bar and bein devoed when he gets his Groupon voucher out
Having to take your rollers out to visit your fella in Walton jail in case you're smuggling beak
Getting excited every time you see @TinheadFTM's picture cos you think you've spotted s fitty, then being devoed he's not real.
Having to be permenantly waxed in case Liverpool win and your fella is in a good enough mood to go down on ya
Knowing full well you have to marry a scouse lad to keep the race pure
Watching your fella snarl every time you get the make up wipes out as he watches you go from a 9 to a 3
Thinking it's dead romantic when your new fella asks if he can 'bird you up'
Gettin dirty looks off your fellas ma cos you can do a better roast than her
Shittin one cos your fella just text to say he's coming round and you've just had a fat dirty scran. Bloated.
The lad you're chatting up looking at you funny then going the toilet and realising your eyelashes are on your cheek
Realising that Ray Fakadakis from facejacker has a more convincing scouse accent than the lad from Crosby you've been goosing
The lad you're meeting swerving you by deleting you off Facebook
Having a fella who makes you go big spoon so he can fart on you all night and laugh
Having a fella who thinks its a sign of affection to pin you down and fart on your head
Tryin to blag you don't Facebook stalk your fella cos you're not a crank
Wondering if it's still legit to call yourself a WAG if your fella plays for Bootle FC
Flipping on your fella for never putting an x on the end of txts
Sitting off in your best underwear and gettin blanked cos the footys on
Bumping into your ex and it knocking you sick that you used to let THAT smash you on the reggers
Only being able to date a scouse lad cos he's the only one in with a chance of keeping up with your banter
Panicking cos you've just realised your Botox is wearing off an you can give people pyaaa snotty looks again

Scouse Mate Problems

Referring to your bezzie as your bird and hoping no one thinks you're a lezza
Making your mate swear down she won't tell anyone you haven't got a purple wheelie bin
Your mate gets engaged and you tell her you're "made up" but secretly wish she'd eat shit and die cos you're still single
Tellin your mates you went to playground and hoping they think you meant Playground Liverpool One and not Stanley park with the kids
Being out with that mate you dont like and slyly tryin to spill a drink on her cos she looks fitter than you
Having an argument with your mates over who's who in Sex and the City and the one who ends up Miranda gettin a right cob on
Having an argument with your mates over who's who in Sex and the City and ending up Samantha cos you're a bad slag
Having an argument with your mates over who's who in Sex and the City and ending up Charlotte cos you're a fridge
Having an argument with your mates over who's who in Sex and the City and ending up Carrie cos you're a crank with mad clobber
Feeling sly on your ginger mate cos she can't tan. And she's a ginger.
Sayin to your mate "Ar yano that thing?" "What?" "That thingio!" Then raging when she doesn't know what you're on about
Your mate has well and truly outdone you on the ruffles. The bitch

Scouse Nightlife Problems

Running out of Glenns Vodka and having to run the offy in your primark pyjamas with your rollers in
Trying to get the dregs of the beak of the kitchen counter and accidentally rubbing toast crumbs on your gums
Club necking someone when you're wearing red lippy and ending up looking like you've got rosacea
Having to get a taxi from O'Neills to the Slag and Lettuce cos you don't want your curls to drop
Having to snort beak with a bluey at the end of the night cos you've spent the kitty
Thinking you look sound like Amanda Harrington but checking the photos the next day and realising you looked shit like Samantha Brick
Waking up after a heavy one and having to psyche yourself up for a good hour before checking your sent messages
Dancing like a stripper in Pink cos you've failed to pull and need a gay lad to tell you you're fabulous
Not being able to face your ma's roast cos you're laid up on the couch with a Columbian cold
Trying to flirt with a delta waiting for his fare at 4am so he'll take you home but being covered in chips and mayo. Not sexy.
Getting drunk and forgetting that the words to Wild Ones isn't actually "Hey I heard you got those scouse brows ooooooo"
Waking up and nearly taking the knock off the stench of vodka coming from your handbag cos you've been on the handbag vodka again
Not bein able to decide what song to sing in the Beaky or the Croc
Breaking out into Zumba routines on a night out and reckoning you deffo look like the bird from Step Up
Going out looking like a solid 9.5, coming home looking like a 3
Drunk texting and ruining your life on the reggers
When your heads chocka from too much vodka last night and you end up putting the milk in the cupboard and the sugar in the fridge
Realising you've dropped your dignity somewhere between Heebies and The Peacock and it's dead in the gutter
Going the newsagents for a hangover cure and cryin into the Space Raider cos they're out of Sunny Delight
Turning into an utter nightmare after a few vodkas
Telling beauts to fuck off accompanied with a head nod and a thumb jerk in the direction you want them to fuck off to
Worrying that one day you'll wake up married to a stranger after a heavy night on the garys
At 4am tryin to decide between chips & mayo or pizza and going with both. Diet starts Monday.
Going to the Echo Arena all dolled up to try and pull Drake. Move over Riri & Minaj
"I didn't think this clutch through, no room for handbag vodka." Mate: "you're a stupid slag"
Loving magic more cos you're a dirty fuckin coke whore
Living a champagne lifestyle on lambrini wages
Capri sun pouches make ideal vessels for storing your Glenns handbag vodka on a night out. Scouse thinking, scouse drinking.

Things That Knock Me Sick

Kitten heels

Men in cleavage tops

Birds who don't wear make up

Cheap hair extensions

Out of town students thinking they fit in here

Soggy socks

Brushing your hair after a night out/rough goosing

The smell of the raz or passion in your hair after a night out

Prawns (lads with a tasty body but a head that need ripping off and binning)

Checking your bank balance after a heavy night

Pictures of peoples kids on Facebook

Awkward moment shouts

Lesbian hair cuts

Skinny jeans when you haven't got skinny genes

Kirkby townie

Extensions hanging halfway down your head in need of tightening

Sausage roll kids

The week before waxing

The smell in the room after an energetic goosing sesh

General Scouse Bird Problems

Being ostracised from local society cos you make a shit pan of scouse
Saying 'eeeeeee' 10 times a day
Having a gob as big as the Mersey Tunnel
Kids in prams flicking greasy sausage rolls flakes all over your maxi dress
Running out of fairy dust to power your car
Telling the careers advisor in school your life plan is to either marry a footballer or pop out sprogs and they don't take you seriously
People not knowing what you mean when you say "Yano worra mean???"
Being soz aba you
Snarling cos some birds given you a pyaaa snotty look
Being a little bit devoed that your kids will never know the theme tune to Brookside
Walking through Liverpool One looking fit and fumin that you've not been stopped by a modelling agency yet
Going on holiday and everytime you open your gob someone thinks it's funny to say "Calm down, calm down"
Givin ya ma grief cos she's gone lazy and switched to Aunt Bessies spuds for the roast
Daydreaming that you'll get stopped in the street by a talent scout to be on the new series of desperate scousewives
Secretly still thinking "Av I gorra telly on me 'ead??" when someones gawping at ya
Identifying more with scouse lad probs than scouse bird probs cos you're a bad manhead
Thinking you were sold a teacup Doberman but it was just a puppy an now it's too big to take shopping in your handbag
Thinking you look fit like Amanda Harrington on the school run then realising you have cornflakes in your hair and baby sick on your shoulder
Feeling shady or sly when somethin snide happens
Wearing huge sunglasses and thinkin "yeh someone is deffo gonna mistake me for Abby Clancy " - then no one does
Gettin into a fight with your kid brother an gettin a samba lashed at your head
Looking at ya ma in disgust cos she's bought asda smartprice noodles instead of koka noodles
Getting mistaken for a gypsy and being grabbed
Gypsies turning up on your local field and putting a curse on you cos they're jealous of your tan & designer clobber

So this is me for now, hope you all enjoy!

Inabit

@boobleyboo AKA @scousebirdprobs

xx

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