My agony aunt column for open magazine - www.openthecity.co.uk

Winter edition coming soon.


We know it’s hard work being a scouse bird what with your fella getting grips of tramps behind your back and having to stink of biscuits all the time just to achieve the perfect tan – so we have enlisted our very own agony aunt, @ScouseBirdProbs, to offer you some words of wisdom. Caution: She will tell you straight!


Want That Old Thing Back?


Dear Scousebird Problems,

I got out of a long-term relationship earlier this year — I was completely in love with my fella, but he cheated on me repeatedly, and our breakup was long and ugly.

I had a couple of rebounds and got over it, but it took a while. Recently, I’ve been seeing this other lad, and he’s everything my ex isn’t. The problem is, I don’t feel as strongly for him as I did for my ex.

My ex recently contacted me, and he wants to get back together. It’s been almost a year since we broke up, and in that time, I feel like he’s grown a lot — shall I stick with the safer option or get back with my ex?

- An Ex and a hard place, aged 23


Girl are you high? If you’re enough of a divvy to go back to him then really you deserve all the heartache that’s comin to ya. Do us all a mazzy favour first though and delete any and all social network accounts. No one, least of all me is gonna wanna see the on/off borderline schizophrenic nature of your upcoming relationship. “OMG I love him so much, he’s my one.” Next day “OMG I FUCKIN HATE YOU YOU BAD PIG I CAN’T BELIEVE I EVER WENT BACK TO YOU” Next day, “Cuddled up on the couch with my one watching X factor. <3 <3” Gerra grip girl, seriously. My advice is, ditch them both, go buy the highest pair of platforms St Johns market has to offer and go swing round the poles in Pink with all the queens. You’re not allowed near a straight fella til you’ve developed some self esteem. Scouse Bird orders.


What Tattoo Should I Get Next?


Dear Scousebird Problems,

I currently have 4 tattoos & I’m looking at getting a couple more but I’m stuck for ideas. I’m not one of these people who gets them as it’s the current thing to do, each of mine has a personal, symbolic meaning to me and as such that is the reason it has taken me 6 years to get only 4. I was just wondering if you have any suggestions as to what I should get and where I should get them?

- Tattooed and horny, aged 24


This all depends on what you want out of life. For example, have you got a fella you’re desperately trying to swerve? If so may I suggest getting a tattoo of his name? It’s a statistical certainty that youse’ll split up within the week. The only problem is you’re left with a permanent reminder of that fuckin weapon for the rest of your life. As punishment you’ll have to cover it up with something wool like a dolphin jumping through a tribal symbol. As a side note, you pointed out to me that you are horny…this concerns me. I want to be clear, scouse bird doesn’t swing that way soz girl. Maybe a better tattoo would be a full tribal sleeve? You can then couple this with a semi buzz cut and start hangin out in the Lesbon, sorry Lisbon. I think you’ll like it there.


What’s His Game?


Dear Scousebird Problems,

I’m starting to suspect that my boyfriend might be cheating on me, he’s gone all weird on me lately and started acting like a proper arse hole. He literally jumps out of his skin if I touch his phone, he is going out every weekend for a ‘quiet one’ and lying about what time he gets in. He lives with his mum still so I don’t see what time he actually gets in.

What can I do to find out if he’s cheating?

- Suspicious mind, aged 21


Oh no girl, he’s probably just planning a surprise birthday party or proposal yano. HAHAHAHA! Sorry I couldn’t keep a straight face there. Have you seen “He’s just not that into you”? Right, ok well it’s basically putting it out there that all men are the friggin same but occasionally there’s an exception to the rule and you’re kidding yourself if you think you’re lucky enough to get that exception. He may be planning a surprise party or proposal but it’s unlikely. I’d go all FBI on his sorry ass. Buy the same phone as him and accidentally swap them then run away and lock yourself in the bog. Buy a wig and follow him out at the weekend. This behaviour isn’t at all cranky, it’s legit. Nah but seriously, girls have a spidey sense aba these things an if it’s bleepin, he’s cheatin. Go and get a fella who’s at least 3 out of 10 below you an he’ll be grateful to have you. Just use one of those Primark bags for his head when you’ve gotta do the dirty. It’ll be sound.