I’m probably already preaching to the converted here, if you’re reading this there’s a big chance you already use Twitter. But seriously what is up with Facebook lately and the fuckin creatures that inhabit it? I gave up on Facebook aba a year ago. I go on it occasionally like but I try to avoid it as a rule cos I know every time I go on it I’ll be lookin at people’s statuses and going “SHUT THE FUCK UP” over and over again – then despairin at the cretins I call me mates. Every time I go on I end up deleting at least one person, pretty soon I’m gonna have no one left. Don’t know the type of thing I’m on about? Let me break this down for ya.

Facebook ming type 1 – The person with kids.

These I think are my absolute WEEERRSST pet hate. These pushed me over the edge to join twitter. Listen right, I’m norassed aba your kid. No one else is arsed aba your kid. No one thinks it’s cute when you upload 324 pics of your womb spawn watchin telly with nutella all over their grid. Their Halloween outfit of a bin bag an a witches hat isn’t a) funny, b) cute, c) scary d) original, it is in fact e) offensive to my eyes. Even other people with kids don’t give a shiny shite aba your kids. Everyone has an element of self obsession and vanity and they just wanna go “OOOhh look what I did with me genes, isn’t it the most beautiful thing in the world?” Well actually no, it isn’t, and for the most part if I’m honest your kid is ugly and everyone’s onto it. Stop uploading pictures where your child looks borderline disabled cos it’s sly ok? Plus I have no interest in seeing it . The only people who MAY be interested in seeing it are you (so keep it to yourself) and paedos. So baby think twice before you lash your baby on my newsfeed.

Facebook ming type 2 – The person who loves food

These fall into kind of the same bargain bin as the person with kids. Ok I love food, everyone loves food, apart from maybe Victoria Beckham. However I KNOW what a chippy looks like, I know what a pizza looks like, I really don’t need a picture of it. Oh and dieters, you know that mmmm delicious plate of veg and cous cous you just made? It looks like something my cat just vomited up. You’re fooling no one. Just eat your gruel and go and compensate binge on 3 bars of chocolate and a family size bag of Walkers Sensations quietly will ya?

Facebook ming type 3 – The person who’s just had their nails done

Right ok, I love getting me nails done. I love staring at them for hours. They are fit after all. What I don’t need to see is pictures of your chunky disgusting nails with nail beds as wide as Sandra’s waistband in slimming class who’s been goin for ten years and is still the size of a house. They look like they belong to a giant witch. And they’re tacky. Pack it in.

Facebook ming type 4 – The do gooder

I say do gooder. They don’t do any good at all. They’re guillible and stupid and are easily emotional blackmailed by strangers wanting ‘likes’ for their own vanity. You know who I’m talking about…the sick kid/dead dog/brave soldier picture liker. There’s a picture usually of something horrific like a terminally ill child accompanied by a caption “1 like = 1 prayer” or “like if you care, ignore if you’re a heartless bastard who doesn’t give a crap”. 1. I’m not even getting into the whole prayer thing, let’s just say I’m an atheist and the more intelligent you are the more likely you are to be an atheist. 2. A like doesn’t mean anything! A like means all your friends news feeds are gonna be polluted with this horrific picture, thanks! 3. Check out the group that it’s been posted by, do you really think someone who started a group called “She’s too young for you bro” or “The awkward moment when you see Adele rolling in the deep” really has any care or affiliation with helping anyone? It’s shameful, morally wrong self promotion. Pack it in with the likes, you are thick and unfriended.

Facebook ming type 5 – The attention seeker

Oh these are just a barrel of laughs. They go on and on and on about how crap their life is. Statuses may be along the lines of “Can’t wait for 2013, it’s got to be better than this year. This is the worst year of my life.” Right I’m not bein funny but I could swear down you said the same thing last year and the year before. What makes you think 2013 is gonna be any different? What are you getting a personality transplant for Christmas yeh? Your life is shit this year and it will be shit next year unless you get off your fat, boring arse and do something about it. Secondly the realisation that your statuses are doing everyones head in and no one actually gives a crap that your life is a load of bollocks probably isn’t gonna do your self esteem any favours now is it? In fact does someone you very rarely speak to ‘like’ it everytime you post a ‘woe is me’ status? Yeh? That’s cos they hate you and they’re made up. Soz aba you.

Facebook ming type 6 – The schizophrenic relationship

OH MY GOOOODDD I can’t cope with your life! You hate him one day, he’s utter scum and the next you two are having a cosy DVD night and he’s ‘the one’. Then you’re ‘splitting up for good this time’ – meet someone on Friday night, get into a FB relationship with them on Saturday and then break up again with them on Sunday once he’s nailed and bailed and had his full English off you. Do you then take a step back and assess what’s wrong? Maybe work on your self esteem and what you want out of life? Do you shite, you go running back to scumbag number one and make sure the whole of Facebook knows about it. Girl you are an utter utter crank. Just cut your losses and go join a nunnery, you’re not cut out for relationships…or life in general.

Facebook ming type 7 – The bore

I’m having me tea. Just going for a shower. Been the gym, feel tired. OMG I’m soooo entertained, thank for the update, you’ve made me day. Yano what, just stay where you are, don’t bother with twitter.

Facebook ming type 8 – The pyaaaa slag

She’s got 1083 friends and at least 73 mutual friends with everyone in Liverpool. She’s banged half of them. She uploads semi naked pictures of herself in a full face of make up and a curly blow sayin “Soz aba me I look a total SHEEEOOOWW!” in a blatant attempt to get likes. Love a lad likes anything with tits even the three titted alien prostitute from total recall, your personality is about as exciting as a tesco light choices chicken cup a soup. Yano in aba 5 years when your face is the consistency of arl leather and you’ve shagged your way round half of Liverpool where are your confidence boosts gonna come from then? Assess your life or you’ll end up doin special MILF lapdances in X an the City til your nose falls out from all the beak cos there’s nothing else in your empty life. Either that or you’ll have aba twenny kids and be a regular on Jeremy Kyle. In your head you reckon you’ll be a WAG – dream on.

Facebook ming type 9 – The googler

Does anyone know when the lights are getting switched on? How long have you got to take stuff back to topshop? What films has Val Kilmer been in? Facebook isn’t google! As another Facebook friend of mine put it so succinctly the other night, “Google’s right there, it’s fuckin right there!!” Use it.



I don’t even know why I’m on facebook at all anymore other than it’s a handy place to store your photos. I’m private up to the max, I’m not searchable (as far as I know) and I dread new friend requests. How do I say “yeh I’ll be your friend in real life but I don’t use Facebook in the spirit in which it was intended so I don’t wanna accept” without being impolite. Arr ay. I hate Facebook yano. I’m on the network but I’m anything but social. The only people on there who don’t do me swede in are people I also have on twitter. There’s maybe one or two people who post amusing statuses who DON’T have twitter but I just despair that they’re wasted on ‘Facey’. Generally it’s just full of idiots.


Inabit

@scousebirdprobs

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