I’m gonna throw something out there. I love kittens. No no no NOT the shoes! The super cute baby cats. Sometimes if I’m bored I’ll just google pictures of kittens like. The paws are my favourite bit, if anyone’s interested.

I used to have 2 cats, one was a girl, Morgan, who was the best cat you’ll ever have in your whole entire life and the other was a boy, Dylan, who was a bad little shit. I ended up having to give them away as at the time I was hardly ever home and I just wasn’t able to give them enough attention. I was devastated but I wanted to do what was best for them. To this day I’d have Morgan back but Dylan…you’re barred.

Seeing as I’ve now ‘settled down’ so to speak with me fella I thought it was about time I took on a new furball to fill the cat shaped hole in my heart. It was time to set about workin on me fella. To say he was against the idea was an understatement. Ladies, never underestimate the power of nagging. In order to be a successful nag you have to be a) persistent, b) consistent c) whiney. I was rockin all these big time.

Safe to say after a few weeks Scouse Ma dropped off a tiny black girl called Princess (a girl cat, I haven’t gone all Madonna or anything) and then I week later I got another little girl, Pea, from LpoolCityGirl. Yeh I’m such a good nag I broke his spirit twice. So there I was like a pig in shit cuddlin 2 balls of cuteness.

They fought none stop for the first few days, there was hissin an spittin galore and then one day I come home and they were spoonin like bezzies with a hangover. Awww.

It wasn’t completely plain sailing like. The night I got Pea there was murder. Intimidated by the slightly older Princess she got stuck behind the couch. When I got her out of there she managed to ensconce herself behind our brand new 5 door wardrobe which I then had to break in 2 places to get her out (if you’re reading this babe…ooops sorry my bad). After getting her out of the wardrobe I looked for a safe place to put her while I tried to put it back without killin myself. The bathroom, that’s it, she deffo can’t hide anywhere in there, she’ll be sound for 5 mins. I went back in the bathroom minutes later – no sign of her. Er what? This cats like friggin Houdini where is she?? I found a tiny hole behind the toilet which she’d crawled down into and was now havin a ball under the floorboards. Boss. I rang the RSPCA who said if food didn’t tempt her out then we’d have to start rippin the (sealed wet room) floor up. Oh god I’d only had her like 2 hours.
See photo for my boyfriends reaction...


After goin under the floor at 9pm the night before I finally heard her squeaks sayin let me out at 5.15am the next mornin. No sleep for me. She’s on a bathroom ban until further notice.

Anyway…back to Princess. She’s grown a lot faster than Pea. Pea is still a tiny kitten whereas Princess is lookin more like a youthful cat. They still look super cute though with their personalised pink bowls with their names on in crystals. Pink bowls…crystals.
I was sittin off watchin the Sopranos the other night, stroking Princess’ belly and I felt a lump. Hmm what the hell is that? I squeezed it and something popped out. Princess has a lippy. A widge. A penis.
My baby girl has a friggin widge! But…but…she’s a girl, there’s no balls. Ok ok relax, this could be normal…maybe I just missed this part on my old girl cat that I had for 7 years. I set about googling pictures of male and female cat genetalia. Please to god I never have to take my comp to the Apple shop and explain that one. Be arsed gettin disgusted looks off the Apple staff an havin them report me to the authorities and Scouse Ma for bein into cat porn.
After googling said pictures, no, girls definitely don’t have widges, but males do have balls. I inspected Princess further and felt them under the skin (again not into cats in THAT way). Poor little he/she has got undescended testicles by the looks of it. She/he is about 14 weeks so they deffo should have popped out to say hello by now.

I was devastated; my little girl is a man. She has a jazzy diamonte animal print collar and a PINK bowl with PRINCESS on in crystals FFS. What do I do? Accept the sex change and call him Prince? Or keep the name Princess and raise him as a flaming homosexual. I mean…Princesses eventually grow into Queens right? Right?

Either way, them balls are goin.. I’m not havin him getting frisky with Pea an wakin up one day to a whole tin of peas. I’m literally gonna break your balls lad.

Signin off

Scouse Bird
The Prince & the Pea

Meow.

xx